The Night I Realised I Needed Therapy
It was 2 in the night, and I was watching
a reaction video on my phone. It was 2
in the night, so I let my mind go and let
it roam freely wherever it wanted to. It
had been on the leash the entire morning.
It was 2 in the night and I didn't anticipate
what might happen.
I remember distinctly that I was breathing
fine. I was breathing fine, a moment and
the other I was racing along with my
thoughts. It wasn't too late, and my body
started racing around my room too. It was
2 in the night, so I decided to not wake
people up. People, what people? I'm alone.
Sometimes I wish to sleep this feeling away,
but if I sleep now, I'll be caged in my mind
where my sleep demon awaits my arrival,
and I am not ready for that rendezvous.
Hence, I'm awake. Trying to breathe, trying
to sleep, failing at both.
I clearly remember, meeting him, them, when
I briefly closed my eyes. It happens, not a lot
but in the night, when it's 2, that's the only
thing that my brain does. When I see them, I
don't see colors, I don't hear their voice, I
see them and I see myself through them.
When I look at myself, through them, I see a
sack of blood and flesh, lying on the bed,
Immobile and frozen. I see a pathetic body
not even trying to fight it, using the 21
seconds rule as an escape to not move. It's
almost as if she wants to stay in this state
forever.
When I see myself looking at me, I feel
frantic. I hate myself at that moment, but I
can't, I just can't move. I know if I stood up
right now, I'll fight it. I'll fight with everything,
I'll run away, and I'll be gone and if I lay there
all night, without moving, my judgement
would stare me down and leave me in my
misery.
They are getting closer with each thought
that chokes me. I want to break the barrier
and just hide in the bathroom. Why am I
resisting this? They are here, reaching out
to me and there's nothing more for me to do
than join them and live in this vulnerability.
Copyright © Manya Saxena | Year Posted 2021
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