The Night I Realised I Needed Therapy

It was 2 in the night, and I was watching a reaction video on my phone. It was 2 in the night, so I let my mind go and let it roam freely wherever it wanted to. It had been on the leash the entire morning. It was 2 in the night and I didn't anticipate what might happen. I remember distinctly that I was breathing fine. I was breathing fine, a moment and the other I was racing along with my thoughts. It wasn't too late, and my body started racing around my room too. It was 2 in the night, so I decided to not wake people up. People, what people? I'm alone. Sometimes I wish to sleep this feeling away, but if I sleep now, I'll be caged in my mind where my sleep demon awaits my arrival, and I am not ready for that rendezvous. Hence, I'm awake. Trying to breathe, trying to sleep, failing at both. I clearly remember, meeting him, them, when I briefly closed my eyes. It happens, not a lot but in the night, when it's 2, that's the only thing that my brain does. When I see them, I don't see colors, I don't hear their voice, I see them and I see myself through them. When I look at myself, through them, I see a sack of blood and flesh, lying on the bed, Immobile and frozen. I see a pathetic body not even trying to fight it, using the 21 seconds rule as an escape to not move. It's almost as if she wants to stay in this state forever. When I see myself looking at me, I feel frantic. I hate myself at that moment, but I can't, I just can't move. I know if I stood up right now, I'll fight it. I'll fight with everything, I'll run away, and I'll be gone and if I lay there all night, without moving, my judgement would stare me down and leave me in my misery. They are getting closer with each thought that chokes me. I want to break the barrier and just hide in the bathroom. Why am I resisting this? They are here, reaching out to me and there's nothing more for me to do than join them and live in this vulnerability.