The Jack of Hearts
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Cast of Gamblers:
*Jack of Hearts: That's me *Diamond Craig Bowden
*Big John Whitehouse *Richy "Fat Boy" Norris
*Ngaire "Big Momma" Moir aka "Queen of Spades"
These particular gamblers and horse thieves are real. Most (okay, some) of what's written below is true. Actually very little but in this pack there was more than just one joker and we were armed only with our wits.
PS: nobody got shot or killed in the making of this tale, but some got cleaned out!
~~~~~
The players were hangin’ ‘round but were all headin’ for a fall,
the room was quiet except for the drillin’ in the wall.
The curfew had been lifted and “No Gamblin’” signs torn down,
anyone with a lick of sense had already left town -
they were pissin’ in their boots starin’ at the Jack of Hearts
Now Jack was no one’s fool, he said “I’ve come to take what’s mine”,
he made his usual entrance lookin’ so sharp and so fine.
With his black waistcoat and his hat and his eyes so dark and cold,
his wild reputation was truly feared, his legend widely told
and everyone watched in awe the great Jack of Hearts
They were thinkin’ to themselves “I know I’ve seen that face before,
maybe down in Albany or a wanted poster on a sh-ithouse door”.
The boys began to twitch and a hard drinkin’ voice was heard…
“I’m lookin’ for an honest game" Jack gave ‘em all his word
but no one was takin’ any chances with the cool Jack of Hearts
One by one they drifted in as word of outlaw Jack had spread
and everyone eyed the stash hidden under Big John’s bed.
Then Jack walked up to Diamond Craig and he asked him with a grin
“could you kindly tell me, friend, what time this game begins?”
then every sphincter at that table clenched at the Jack of Hearts
The cards were shuffled and dealt, there was high tension in the air,
Diamond Craig was sweatin’ bullets and shakin’ in his chair.
He lit a smoke and raised the pot sayin’ “you gotta be in to win”.
Richy folded ‘cos he has no nuts but Big John declared “I’m in!”
but the man they all had to beat was the Jack of Hearts
Ngaire, the Queen of Spades, was an easy mark tryln’ to find,
the drillin’ in the wall kept up but no one seemed to pay it any mind.
It was known all around town that Ngaire wore Big John’s ring
and nothin’ would ever come between the queen and her king -
no, nothin’ ever would except maybe the Jack of Hearts
Ngaire started drinkin’ hard and her tongue cut like a sword,
she was tired of losin’ and planned to turn Jack in for a reward.
She had done a lot of bad sh-it and with a wild bunch did ride -
was lookin’ to win big with a joker in her bust hidden inside,
and she was eyein’ that pot bettin’ against the Jack of Hearts
Diamond Craig wiped his brow, looked at Jack then looked away,
“has your luck run out?” grinned Jack “you must’ve known it would someday”.
Then Richy called and said “stranger, I think you’re bluffin’”
and Jack just winked back at that muppet on his big cigar puffin’
“read ‘em and weep, fat boy!” sledged the smilin’ Jack of Hearts
“Fu-ck me!” Big John groaned, “these cards are jinxed I swear,
there’s somethin’ funny goin’ on” he said, “I can feel it in the air!
If I catch anyone cheatin’ I’ll shoot ‘em where they stand” -
everyone was hopin’ they weren’t holdin’ a dead man’s hand,
everyone that is but the cocked and loaded Jack of Hearts
No one knew the circumstance but they say it happened pretty quick,
the lights all went out and a shiny nickel plated revolver did click.
Big John was layin’ there, a bullet hole between his eyes did burn,
Ngaire screamed “O’ fu-ck it! Maybe my luck’s about to turn” -
she emptied his pockets and now was gunnin’ for the Jack of Hearts
Two doors down the boys finally made it through the wall
and cleaned out Big John’s stash, they made off with quite a haul.
Jack said “well boys, it’s a long ride home and it’s gettin’ late”,
Diamond Craig said “not so fast, Jack” he was holdin’ an inside straight
but that sh-itkicker never stood a chance with the Jack of Hearts
The sun was risin’ and the undertaker was up before the dawn,
no one knew if the next hand a card or gun would be drawn.
They were all thinkin’ about a killin’, thinkin’ about what they saw,
thinkin’ about gettin’ killed and thinkin’ about the law,
but most of all they were thinkin’ about the Jack of Hearts
Was time to put up or shut-up and Richy sh-it his pants again in fear,
Diamond Craig flashed his straight and Ngaire flashed her big pair!
But no cheap trick would stop Jack and as he lay his cards he told ‘em
“you gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em”…
and know when to lie low when the shootin’ starts with the Jack of Hearts
The next day was judgement day, the sky was overcast and dull,
Big John lay covered up killed by a pistol shot in his skull.
They all pointed at Jack and stared but Jack wasn’t the kind to blink,
Diamond Craig had sobered up and was lookin’ for a drink
for only a dead man collects the reward for the Jack of Hearts
Written: January 2005
This is my version of Dylan’s epic ballad “Lily, Rosemary, & the Jack of Hearts”
Copyright © Keith D Trestrail | Year Posted 2024
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