The Hisrtory of Me

society never seems to wanna understand i got feelings too just because im a man dont mean nothing i bleed to damn babysitter raping me at 7 told my folks got my ass whoop because liars dont make it into heaven but all them years all them tears and noone did nothing til i turned 10 and qwent back to my moms told her too ....um well its to late to do something... than my teacher samething but i knew better or i thought i was clever because why would a woman want a boy ....umm....whatever....constant responses and im not supposed to believe that im not more than garbage i ask momma why i wasnt with her all those when this shyt started i was on crack with your father oh so you mean the drugs was more important so why bother i open my mouth ppl scatter like hot lava so like that bug in my ear keep saying...why bother pops come around in my teens a lil late to be a father i needed you than when my ass was being treated like teeter totter i went numb and skin grew harder headphones in all day eyes on the concrete and they never falter thoughts running through my head like how it was better if i was dead because i know so little will have tears shed now more than 2 decades and these feelings reoccur i know life is a cypher but why these old demons reemerge maybe its beaucse after all these years im still not heard well i get it now my emotions are up in the sky with the birds thinking i can talk to my wife ha ha yeah right how absurd i was a fool than and a fool now how because im a man and really nobody gives a damn its cool learned that lesson but that just feeds the depression feeds the obsession of wanting to correct all the oppression and aggression but instead i fall victim to all this mess and i can keep a smile on like im fine inside ill drown in my tears hostage to my fears keep my mouth shut because its not like i got any ears not from family wife kids or peers this is just how mines done started and when i realized this is is heartless and the only way to get thru is to fall in like sand on a carpet ill be complacent i wont say nothing no more at this point i made it where my heart is hollow not vacant and im gonna keep taking all the bs and all the stress now i understand why im a pessamist and its hard to envision anything other than dismalness so ill obliterate my hopefulness because ignorance truly is bliss