The Ghost I Used To Be
This feeling 'without a footprint' haunted me unknowingly,
it had remained hidden much too long
I was hiding behind a mask,
not able to acknowledge or recognise
the smouldering spark, deep inside,
I was living life
neither dead nor alive.
I felt I did not belong in this world,
I had no right or purpose to be here
I was 15, and had been living rough
for a year and a half.
Mostly I hated myself,
but life, urges me on with my freedom.
I had already taken my first cautious steps
towards an unclear perception of my future,
I just knew that I wanted to live.
this was a year and a half after I was
forced to flee for my life,
I had still not worked-out
why my father wanted me dead.
I was a good kid, honest, did not steal, told the truth
mostly got good marks at school
(discounting the big black and blue ones dad freely gave with his big belt)
fate intervened and I had to survive.so I ran.
I worked farms for food , and hand-me-down clothes
I was a "ghost" till I was 18.
no national insurance number, no healthcare
a foreigner in my own land;
the disconnect was immense.
Over the years I tread with more certainty and passion,
a need to 'find myself'
In November 2014,aged 60 years and three months, that's what I did.
I was ready to explore what I was,
to evolve, into who I was at last,
ready to experience the lightness of being.
The kindness and understanding
of two people I had never met, only "talked to" on the internet,
Sydney, and Shaunda, brought about a breakdown
of my "walls of isolation".
All my senses re-awakened with enthusiasm and curiosity,
a week-end in May 2015 became the week-end,
to break and dissolve my chains
my maiden voyage took a year
before I discovered my sexuality.
something is tickling my creativity
inspiring me to explore beyond boundaries
maybe hormones opened-up new neuronal pathways,
maybe when the walls came down
I was more receptive to me !
denied self for many years
repression lifted
wings spread
drying in the suns rays.
Elizabeth alexander 24/2/2016
inspired by Jim baruffi.
Copyright © Elizabeth Alexander | Year Posted 2016
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