The Chains That Bind Me: Letting Go of Ed

Chains, so heavy. Binding every body part. A cell: its cold metal bars blocking out light. A wall, originally meant to protect, now a barricade nothing penetrates. A net, once safety, now entangling, strangling. A trap, caught with no one to rescue, screaming yet unheard, misunderstood. A thick fog stifling my breath, clouding my mind. A prison of mirrors, taunting, criticizing, hating. A barbed club, beating my flesh raw. An inescapable grading system consisting only of the letter “F.” A harsh judge, always condemning “guilty.” What happened to the Friend, the Protector? Have I lost control? To this monster that possesses mind and soul? How did I get so lost? Even my voice can’t find its way. Where is freedom, light, joy? …In this meaningless existence. Fears suffocate me. Trapped in mind and body. If I’m living, it’s a nightmare. I can’t move, can’t scream, can’t breathe, can’t feel. I’m crippled, though not physically. Worshipping an idol that leaves me empty. God, where are you? Where did I go wrong? I only meant to be perfect. Meant to shut out pain, to stop feeling. To please You and the world. I rejected my true identity, didn’t I? Didn’t trust in Your love and power. I played God, Decided I knew best. I hated Your Creation, attempting to change the cracks that make me beautiful. Rather than allow You to mold them. I shut out Your plan by choosing mine. My control led to chaos, to self-destruction. The opposite of Love. I chose bondage to self and fear, not Freedom. Judgment instead of Grace. The dangers of perfection, of self-idolatry, of control. Not just an eating disorder, but so much more. Why cling to sickness and defeat when You offer safety, Triumph? Why deprive myself of True Life? Why choose chains when meant to run in Freedom? I let go, surrender, give my life to God. Chains break; my body crumbles. I rise, facing the Monster guarding my prison cell. Finding my voice, I scream: it shakes the walls. The same club I use to beat myself, I turn on him, until his flesh too is raw. Though aching from being bound so long, I see light. My heart skips. Cracks of light pour through the wall, It shrinks in stature. Gentle Hands hear me, untangle me. I open myself to the mind of Christ, Asking for transformation of thought and heart. The fog lifts – I can see, I can think. Emotions flood in, no longer feared. Instead a gift, an adventure. There is comfort that He is near: my Friend, my Protector. Over the mirrors, I glue God’s Truth. The taunting ceases; A new reflection appears. A daughter crowned with jewels is what I see, Holding the hand of her Father, the King. Light radiates from the pair, A halo of peace surrounds them. In His presence is power and healing, acceptance, love. Judgment is gone, as is the drive to do and be. He has drawn me with everlasting kindness, In me, He is well-pleased. His works are wonderful, That I am beginning to see. Why choose a prison of our own making? When He offers hope, love, freedom, all we need. Why hold to darkness when He is light? Turn and face the enemy – Muster His strength. Fight its deathly embrace. By letting go. By letting Him. Transform. And break the chains.