That Night

FOR YEARS I TRIED TO FIND MYSELF IN WORK, IN THINGS AND BOOZE WHEN FACED WITH WRENCHING DESPERATION I DIDN’T KNOW THAT I COULD CHOOSE I PUT DOWN BOOZE AT TWENTY NINE AND THOUGHT I HAD BEEN SAVED BUT THINGS WERE STILL MY GOD AT HEART THOUGH I THOUGHT I HAD IT MADE MY LIFE AROUND ME MUCH IMPROVED NOW SOBER I HAD A CHANCE BUT WITH MY HEART SO DESPERATE FOR AN ANSWER I NEVER LEARNED TO DANCE AT FORTY THREE I PICKED UP BOOZE AGAIN AND MY THINGS COULD NOT SUSTAIN ME BOOZE NO LONGER NUMBED THE PAIN AND THAT AWARENESS HAD NOT FREED ME FROM MYSELF I TRIED TO GET AWAY FROM THE SHAME AND GUILT AND FOUND LITTLE PURPOSE TO BE AT ALL, TO SURVIVE, TO HAVE THE WILL I PUT DOWN BOOZE AT FORTY SEVEN AND THOUGHT I HAD BEEN SAVED BUT THINGS WERE STILL MY GOD AT HEART THOUGH I THOUGHT I HADE IT MADE FOR YEARS TO COME I’D LOSE IT ALL AND WONDER WHAT WENT WRONG AND SING TO MYSELF SO I COULD HEAR MY SAD, LAMENTING SONG O’ PITY ME I HAVE IT ROUGH I USED TO HAVE IT ALL I USED TO BE SOMEBODY ONCE LONG BEFORE THE FALL MY SONG TURNED INTO POETRY WHICH I USED TO ASK FOR HELP AND WITHOUT THINKING I HAD TO WRITE WHAT IT WAS I REALLY FELT A LONGING IN MY HEART THAT I RECALL WAS ALWAYS THERE TO KNOW MYSELF AND BE WITH HIM VOID OF ANY FEAR AND THROUGH HIS GRACE I FOUND MY VOICE-OH SECRETS I WOULD TELL THROUGH WRITING POETRY I FOUND THAT I WAS BECOMING WELL THE WORDS UNLOCKED A PLACE INSIDE I ALWAYS FEARED TO GO BUT NOW WITH EACH EXPRESSION I FEEL MY SPIRIT GROW THERE ARE LESSONS I STILL NEED TO LEARN AND LESSONS I WILL TEACH AS I LISTEN TO THE STILLNESS OF GOD I AM WELL WITHIN HIS REACH I PUT DOWN ALL THE THINGS THAT CONTINUE TO GET IN MY WAY AT FIFTY GOD RESTS IN MY HEART I KNOW I HAVE BEEN SAVED I HAD TO LEARN THAT LIFE IS NOT THOUGHTS BUT THE ESSENCE OF WHAT IS FELT THE ANSWER CAME TO ME SUDDENLY THAT NIGHT I FINALLY KNELT. 8-10-14