that night

“can we see your arms?” how does one sentence effect me so deeply? when the police asked that question my heart plummeted in my chest my eyes got watery my hands got shakey and suddenly i regretted everything that i had done i didn’t want my grandma to see how much i hated myself how much i hated the body that i inhibited and how much i hated the lines on my arms but i raised my sleeves she started crying they asked questions i don’t remember a lot from that night not the questioning not the ride to the hospital not my mom sitting beside crying, asking why would i do this i didn’t have a answer 8 year old me didn’t have an answer for why she wanted to die just that she missed her dad 13 year old me didn’t have an answer for why she needed to die all she said was “i don’t know” “im sorry.”