That Is the Name of My Bottled Water

Ok, I do not know if I should be telling you this, It is somewhat embarrassing and you will probably laugh and hiss. I went on holiday to the land of the free Actually, it was America to the beaches of Miami Dam was it hot, I clearly remember the day Yes, you guessed it; it was in the month of May. I walked into a shop and asked for a bottle of sparkling water, The man looked at me funny and questioningly at me daughter. “Oh I forgot, you don’t speak English here,” I said So I twanged me words and it registered in his head I was hot, tired and burned to a crisp, The man behind the counter had a bad stutter and a lisp After five minutes hhhhhh he said, “Here’s a bottle of That is the name of my bottled water.” I looked at man funny and questioningly at me daughter, She giggled and said, “That’s the name of the drink.” Then said, “I think?” I was dying to use the loo You know a number two So I twanged to the man and he said “Ooo,” Then I said “Over there? Thank you” I rushed in the loo, put the bottle on the floor near the toilet pan Pulled down me shorts and sat down with a squeak clash and bang I slipped off the seat and had a bottle half way wedged up me ass man. Now let me tell you about that part of the body I was violated; it was an act of sodomy The bottle was ribbed and too painful to pull out So I pulled up me shorts and walked as if I had gout Me daughter screamed “Dad?” “I didn’t know you were that way inclined.” Through gritted teeth I said “Shut it just cover me behind.” She screamed again and said “I thought you bought it because you were thirsty?” Like the Exocist my head spun round and I said “Not now, don’t start with me Kirsty.” It was a long walk back to the hotel I had to stop many a time and rested for a spell The heat of the sun expanded the bottle Which caused me to mimic a ducks waddle Walking along in agonizing pain I heard some Porto Rican babes say “He walk like Juan Wayne” Almost at the hotel, it took me the best part of the day Then it happen, crossing the road, a car almost hit me and I had to jump out of the way” Now the reason I fainted, and like a sack of potatoes I dropped Was the shaking of the bottle and the cap that popped I… woke in hospital laying on me tummy With photographers taking pics thinking this was funny. next to me was my dear loving daughter In her hand, That is the name of my bottled water… **To all Americans you do speak English :-) it's Lisa's fault**Copyright © 2011 **Debbie Guzzi Unmentionables contest**