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Ok, I do not know if I should be telling you this,
It is somewhat embarrassing and you will probably laugh and hiss.

I went on holiday to the land of the free
Actually, it was America to the beaches of Miami 
Dam was it hot, I clearly remember the day
Yes, you guessed it; it was in the month of May.

I walked into a shop and asked for a bottle of sparkling water,
The man looked at me funny and questioningly at me daughter.
“Oh I forgot, you don’t speak English here,” I said
So I twanged me words and it registered in his head

I was hot, tired and burned to a crisp,
The man behind the counter had a bad stutter and a lisp
After five minutes hhhhhh he said, “Here’s a bottle of That is the name of my bottled 
water.”
I looked at man funny and questioningly at me daughter,
She giggled and said, “That’s the name of the drink.”
Then said, “I think?”

I was dying to use the loo
You know a number two
So I twanged to the man and he said “Ooo,” Then I said “Over there? Thank you”
I rushed in the loo, put the bottle on the floor near the toilet pan
Pulled down me shorts and sat down with a squeak clash and bang
I slipped off the seat and had a bottle half way wedged up me ass man.

Now let me tell you about that part of the body 
I was violated; it was an act of sodomy
The bottle was ribbed and too painful to pull out
So I pulled up me shorts and walked as if I had gout

Me daughter screamed “Dad?” “I didn’t know you were that way inclined.” 
Through gritted teeth I said “Shut it just cover me behind.”
She screamed again and said “I thought you bought it because you were thirsty?”
Like the Exocist my head spun round and I said “Not now, don’t start with me  
Kirsty.”

It was a long walk back to the hotel
I had to stop many a time and rested for a spell
The heat of the sun expanded the bottle
Which caused me to mimic a ducks waddle

Walking along in agonizing pain 
I heard some Porto Rican babes say “He walk like Juan Wayne” 
Almost at the hotel, it took me the best part of the day
Then it happen, crossing the road, a car almost hit me and I had to jump out of the 
way”

Now the reason I fainted, and like a sack of potatoes I dropped
Was the shaking of the bottle and the cap that popped
I… woke in hospital laying on me tummy
With photographers taking pics thinking this was funny.
next to me was my dear loving daughter
In her hand, That is the name of my bottled water…

**To all Americans you do speak English :-) it's Lisa's fault**Copyright © 2011

**Debbie Guzzi Unmentionables contest**
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