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That Certain Age

So your youth has long gone and you’re feeling your age
And you squint at the print on the optician’s page
Hallway mirrors are banned cos you know they tell lies
And there isn’t a laptop that comes in your size
 
And the back of your wardrobe is looking a bit
Like your Narnia weekend was clearly a hit
And the crime rate is up on the high street you’ve read
So it makes perfect sense just to buy stuff in bed
 
So you’re buying online  but still feeling forlorn
Cos you’re still scrolling down for the year you were born
So you make your selection but pause as you see
At the bottom a message and clearly for me
 
Is your pension in place would you botox your face
And the cost of a funeral is just a disgrace
A free pen for enquiring now seems a bit mean 
now your low self esteem is the lowest it’s been
 
and the old people’s stuff which is catching your eye
so alluring, attractive and easy to buy
with a click of your hip and two clicks of your mouse
all that stuff could be winging its way to your house
 
so you go to the checkout, how hard can it be
but you can’t till you’ve registered online for free
what’s the best time to call and the name of your school
and where you do your big shop as a rule
 
do you floss who’s your boss whats your profit and loss
Michael Parkinson,Wogan or Jonathan Ross
so they know who you are and the size of your bra
where you go on your hols and when you change your car
 
and you’ve chosen a password, the name of your pet
but you still write it down cos you know you’ll forget
Now please enter the Captcha, a hideous rule
Did these people not do basic grammar at school
 
A wry smile now appears cos you’re starting  to feel  
that the one great big slipper won’t lose it’s appeal 
So accept that you’re older, keep scrolling instead
- 'cos the nuisance cold calls taper off when you're dead

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