Ted the Tortoise

Ted the Tortoise told his wife he’ll nip around the block She said if you nipped anywhere it would be quite a shock He said I’ve got a skateboard with a power-pack on board It’s not the latest model but the best I could afford He sped out of his garden where his son had made a camp He gave his son a wave and so he didn’t see the ramp To find his son some candy Ted the Tortoise checked his pocket And then he hit the ramp at speed and took off like a rocket At fifty feet above the ground he clung on really tight He couldn’t slow the skateboard down but tried with all his might He flew on past an aeroplane; the Captain got a fright It isn’t often that you see a tortoise taking flight Ted the Tortoise tried to make his skateboard turn about But wasn’t very happy when it’s power-pack cut out He absolutely knew that what goes up must then come down And coming down gave Ted the Tortoise quite a worried frown Now when a tortoise flaps his arms he’s bound to look absurd And Ted the Tortoise knew there’d never been a Tortoise bird He’d heard of ‘raining cats and dogs’ but not a tortoise shower And Ted was raining downwards at a hundred miles an hour The captain of the aeroplane had doubted what he’d seen He’d turned the plane around and had a good look through the screen He saw a flying tortoise, well at least that’s how it seemed You can’t just stop an aeroplane, so Ted the Tortoise screamed He bounced right off the aeroplane and got an awful fright His skateboard shot off to the left but he went to the right But Ted had worn his shorts and wasn’t in his birthday suit So he slipped out of his shell and used it as a parachute As he fell the ‘para-shell’ slowed Ted the Tortoise down He headed for the market in the centre of the town Where Rodent Rob and Jackdaw Jack were stealing cakes and bread Till Ted the Tortoise landed right on Jack the Jackdaw’s head Rodent Rob ran off with lots of cakes inside his sack And was flattened by a skateboard with a heavy power-pack PC Hog arrested Rodent Rob and Jackdaw Jack And everybody patted Ted the Tortoise on the back So Ted the Tortoise got home late and told his lady wife I’ve had the most amazing day of my entire life I flew into the sky, bounced off a plane and caught some crooks It seems I’m very likely to get in the history books I’m only still alive because the height from which I fell Meant I had to make a parachute out of my shell The town called me a hero and they took me for a beer Mrs Tortoise shrugged and said of course they did my dear