Teaching Myself To Live Without You
how am i going to teach myself how to sleep alone?
how am i going to be warm in my own comfort,
when i’ve associated comfort with being your arms?
your arms, which don’t even belong to me
your arms, which pull me closer to your heartbeat while you sleep
your arms, which held me together as i crumbled to pieces
how am i supposed to let myself be at peace with what’s been decided
if what’s been decided isn’t even something that you want?
how do you expect to get anywhere if you’re relying on comfortability to try avoid reality?
i remember trying to avoid allowing my eyes to
meet yours
your eyes that held back the tears you refused to accept
your eyes that spoke for you in times you thought you had nothing to say
had i only realised sooner
i should’ve known better than to call you mine,
i should have known better than to let you call me yours.
believing what i ultimately knew was too good to be true,
that i was subconsciously setting myself up for failure
is this a cruel joke that i’m playing on myself?
i suppose there’s always been a possibility i never thought i deserved happiness
that i deserved you
maybe i sabotaged my way into getting you to sabotage us too
maybe the universe is putting our time together on pause, because we’re both too broken as the people we are right now,
to be whole together.
and you made me feel all kinds of ‘whole’.
the calm before the storm, i suppose.
~ r.a
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