Sutures of Happiness

Abandoned for being who I hate that I am, Ridiculed for my defects I cannot control- Feeling like no one will ever give a damn, Suffering from the embers of pain’s coal. On a roll, downward into my poor soul. Forsaken for what I am not in the morn, Feeling left out in my youth from abuse- I try my best not to look so damn forlorn, But then I realize this life has no use. Light the flame and set off the fuse. So I write with my fingers that are sore, They keep me afloat yet bestow pain- You have hurt me, my heart you tore, Saying there is no good that can remain. I’m insane, I admit, with nothing to gain. She looks at me with wonder, I am confused, How does she not see the monster in me? Withering in weeping and feeling used, The chains will never ever set me free. Let me be the me I wish I could be. Saturated in loneliness when I’m good, Maybe not, who really knows anymore- So much torment in my past I’ve withstood, And sure, maybe it’s time to close that door, But being without love would leave me poor. The depths of my heart run so wild, It sees the best in others when ignored- Treated always like a sassy child, Looked at with disgust, always abhorred. This day of pain I cannot begin to afford. So I take my sore hands and write again, Not knowing what I will end up saying. Losing everything, my only friend, Hearing the same od record playing... One of loss and regret portraying. Leave me if you wish, in pain I’ll die, Alone once again like in my youth. Tears of an fallen angel I do cry, Searching for the answers of the truth. Smiling is like pulling a broken tooth. No thoughts of the joy you’ve given me, Maybe pain is a part of life after all- But setting free a raven brings misery, And a raven hold darkness in a brawl. Don’t stall, just hurry up and make me fall. To get over the loss I shall endure is hell. To see the sun shine shall be never- For other’s happiness my soul I’d sell, But seeing that part of me is gone forever. As these sutures of happiness start to sever. These sutures are scars from old injuries, Once beautiful, now ugly from disappearance- Does the world see me as this person sees? I've yet to break free, get utter clearance... Without judgement making interference. (It all comes down to this...I can't lose anyone else.) March 2, 2019