Suing Myself

Hello, my name is Bob Deekerson, and I’ve been having a rather tough time, you see right now I am being sued by someone who is of similar mind. Every legal move I try to make, he is always one step ahead of me, though for this to make sense you need to know that I have a split personality. I was diagnosed with this mental curse five insane and hectic years ago, staring having these crazy black-outs, came too with people that I didn’t know. I have never drank a drop in my life, so to a psychiatrist I went to quick, two months later they had me diagnosed, I share my mind with a person named Nick. Now why this happened, I just cannot say, I’ve had no issues, never had 'too much' fun, it’s made things difficult with my girlfriend— Oh shut up! You’re boring everyone! Jesus, this guy is as dry as white toast, I’ll tell you why that I came on the scene, this guy's had no fun since he was a child, for Christ’s sake, he didn’t get laid ’till thirty! Denying the rogue that lives in all men has a crushing effect on the brain, so his sub-conscious created me to stir things up and alter the game. And yes, I may be suing this fool, but all you people have to understand, he went and got engaged, without my consent, that is the kiss of death for any man! Only if you’re a depraved scoundrel is marriage seen as a terrible thing! And my Elana is the sweetest girl, well-deserving of getting a ring. I don’t care if you’re stuck in my head, ’cause by the tenets of natural law, I was here first, this body is mine— Dude she’s uglier than your dead dog! Do you think that’s what I want to wake up to when it’s my mind that is in control? I don’t consent to sharing my life with her, she’s all frigid and lifeless and cold! It’s not your life so you get no say— Like Hell, I am half-running this show! We are to be married, so deal with it— And be stuck with that shrew? I say no! Well I guess you all now understand how it came about that I’m suing myself. The judge declared Nick had full legal rights, now I pay for two lawyers…it’s hell. Whatever it takes to protect myself, I won’t lose half my stuff in a divorce. How dare you even think that of my girl— Aw shut up, and save it for the courts! Guys, I think we all need to step back here— Shut up Larry, nobody cares what you think Yeah, this doesn’t involve you, runt! …sigh…