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Strokes While Forgiving My Regret

She called me her angel
A week before she died
I didn't see beyond the mask
I only heard my own sigh

Her cry was lost
Like her ashes now

The wind of fortune and future and change
Blew her away

But my memory is the deep pool she swims in
And we are angels together
Getting our wings wet
I loved her and she knew this well
I refuse to believe she fell

Heaven 
Would be shallow indeed
Without the girl that first wrote
BFF to me

I did not save her
I let her be
Praying that the Lord would see
The beauty and purity and the natural face
She showed to me

I accepted her as she was
And wish she was still here 
To hug

I love her 
Her spirit bright
But when I dream of her at night
She is alive
Laughing 
Her death
All a cruel cruel joke
But I'll forgive her
If she'll forgive me.

God knew her better
And only
He knows who we will see
Walking in His Paradise

Suicide is a mortal/moral sin
Not trusting God is an insult to Him

Explain it to me
Is it like drowning
Never coming up for air
Forced to suffer with no light
Cold and dark and agony
Until a bullet or a blade
Is the friendly fire of sweet release?

I've been there
But I tread water
I doggy paddle when I am too weak to do the breast stroke
I grasp the lifelines around me
Or I create my own
I don't give up

I want to go home
But I'll wait impatiently
For God to call me
Until then I'll plant my seeds
And enjoy the sweet cleansing power of the holy rain
Maybe I'll learn to do the Butterfly Stroke

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