Sometimes I

Sometimes I...sometimes I wish I could combust burst into flames, spontaneously erupt; magma Sometimes I... sometimes I just wish emptily, heavily I was someone else, something better but all the wishing I do there's not a single one that will bother to come true Should I be grateful or angry then again angry is all I ever am Example this week, this dreadful week I'm at a breaking point I've been as strong as I can muster but I break, I finally break I'm sick, tired of this maybe I expect too much but all I want to do is work all I want is to finally be out of the shadows of my family spread my own wings and be out on my own all I want is my island of rain to be far away from these traumatic memories my brain won't let me erase All I want is to be given a chance to rid myself of this constant reminder the beloved Sorceress is not mine rid myself of this growing guilty jealousy I can never have her again that even now in her vicinity she forbids her face to be seen in my company while all I crave is her shoulder to bury my face in to engrave her scent in my nostrils my own amnesia created chemicals perfected with the environment of mountains and thickets All I wish is for the chance to make up the lost time but I'm afraid of that, of her, of me What will I do when I see her would I run up to hug her my 8th grade bride all grown up, the same age as me weeping tears of joy for the seven years I spent without her or would my arms transform coil like cobras around her neck only to release sharply, lose my composure up and punch her directly in her mouth revenge for the misshapen spells she wove to kill me or would I lose it completely drop to my knees and breakdown long term tears I kept bottled up, a dam finally burst, a breach What would I do if I saw her beg of a kiss just one to know the girl I love is gone or would I stoop so low to even consider throwing myself off the cliff of our tryst to say I'd carelessly jump before I'd hug the one who cast a spell to rip out my heartstrings or maybe to say I'd jump before I'd live to witness my Sorceress in the arms of another I'm sick of this, I'm broken a humpty dumpty though all my hopeless endeavors end... with me... bursting into a thousand marbles orange for my favorite color but painted black for the fact... that... I don't know I never do I pace the sidewalks of my world in a run, in a sprint with caution, with haste because I have nowhere to go I have nowhere to be so I stand in an empty field ready to scream What else can I do my options remain limited and I can't run to the sun though I melt every time I'm in the sun's gaze Funny I guess I can evaporate... like she evaporated from me... so easily... Why must the things I want so much become my complete worst enemy They say losers only they say losers only in big bold letters well in this room full of losers I'm the loser around I'm the only loser I can see