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Poem
Solivagant
                                             By: Lydia Seeley


Sometimes I start to explore the new things in life
But to only see that life is just a lie
There are always people stabbing you in the back with a sharp knife
 I’m then alone no matter how hard I try
 
When I’m alone I have nowhere to go 
No one to call a true friend
When I pass my friends in the halls there’s never a hello
But we always know; When there’s a hello there’s goodbye in the end.              

But when will it ever end?
Constant pain running through my head
When I go to smile it’s always pretend
All I want is the flashbacks to just shred  

I feel no one is there
No one that truly cares
All of my feelings start to tear
Hello? Is anyone there?

Did I ever truly have anyone?
Was there anyone who truly loved me?
No, I don’t have a person, not even one
I have no one that watches over me

All I have is a few friends
Who says, everything’s okay she does love you
I’m trying not to give in and bend
No matter what she puts me through I love her too.

It’s not fair
She gets to do all of this,
Split the family into pairs,
Cause everyone to be unbliss

Would she ever feel the same pain?
Would it ever hurt her as it did to me?
Can we just go back in time again?
To when everything wasn’t debris 

It’s funny how everyone else is blamed,
Except for the one who is guilty
With her reasons unexplained
Her gaslighting pity

What did I do?
I was such a good daughter
I did what I was supposed to 
“Mom please for me, it’s your daughter”

I just don’t understand 
You say you love me 
But you and I both know where I stand,
Behind the alcohol first in line

The truth is, I understand why you’d pick the alcohol
It never disappoints you, 
It doesn’t go past your protocol
It’s always there for you

I’m not the best daughter but I know for sure
The little girl begging for her mother
To truly love and care for her,
Would love her more than the lousy drink would ever

What am I doing wrong? 
I mean am I really that hard to love?
To where my own mother abandons me for so long
It doesn’t make any sense on where I’ve gone wrong

All the nights dad wasn’t there
The same nights I’d sit on my bed
Getting hit with my skin so bare
I’m so glad it came to an end

It may be over,
But my mind plays it 
Over and over,
Until I can no longer take it

The many nights I lost my voice
The same nights I cried until I couldn’t breathe
I had to make the choice
To get out of this seethe

I made a sacrifice
Even if I feel
As if the whole world turns into strife
The eleven year old girl not believing its real

The whole family saying I tore us apart
Or I’m so selfish for my actions
But I had to listen to my heart
Not realizing the compactions

Of how much this caused me
The distractions at school
Sometimes crying to where its too blurry to see
Feeling so cruel

Mom, I let you get to me
Are you proud?
I’ll never be free
The thoughts eating my brain are so loud

You’d think after losing everything
Getting better is the solution
To my mom, it meant nothing
It’s just a non revolving evolution 

Maybe one day my mom will see
The point of view that she doesn’t recall
Maybe One day we could be
A happy ending after all

To: Mom
This is my way of expressing my feelings and how I feel towards the alcoholic version of you, The sober you is the best mom I could ever have and I’m sorry we can’t always have that relationship but addiction takes its toughest fighters and I’ll always love you even after all the things you’ve done. 

Authors Note:
This poem I have written has taken me over 2 years to complete even though it doesn’t have a lot written all of these words are so special and literal to me and I hope some of you that have gone through something similar can know you are not alone no matter what and never take life for granted no matter how hard it gets even when there are times when you no longer want to live I promise it's worth it to push through just like I did. You can get help just never be scared.
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