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So Much To Say

So Much To Say


”Here’s your oatmeal and blueberries for breakfast,” I said 
     putting on a smile.
She said, “Could you adjust my pillows?
     “Of course honey, “ I said, 
           wondering how many more breakfasts
I would bring to her
       before she died.

She said “Will you make sure 
      they feed the cats
After I’m gone?
They forget sometimes…”
She shrugged.
I said, “Of course. honey.”

She said “My arm is lost somewhere
beneath the blankets
I can’t feel it.”
“I know, honey,” I said
       retrieving her arm 
from obscurity.
      “And my leg feels as if it’s caught
Like a fish in a net…
      Quivering” she said.
“I know honey,’ I said,
“Would you like me
To move it over?”
       “Gently” she said
“Very gently” I said,
       Moving her leg
Across the quilted blanket
Across the jagged edges
Of my grief.
  
I got there early
there was so much to say—
I said: “Have you been watching the birds
      at the feeder?”
She said “I have…I love them…”
Her voice drifting away;
she didn’t say more
She didn’t say
“I will come back to you
      As a bluebird…
and you’ll know it’s me.”
     We have so much to say…

“Look how the sunlight
Is lighting up your hair!”
I said. “So pretty…”
      “I love you too,” she said
Smiling, while her one hand drifted up
To the place where clumps
Of hair had fallen out.

“Can I brush your hair?” I asked
She nodded.
I took up the brush
   And stroked her hair…
      Grace descending on us
As if with invisible wings …

“You know we will always talk
      honey, we will always talk.” I said,
“I would go with you” I didn’t say.
She nodded, closing her eyes, 
       Surrendering...
To the moment.

There was so much to say,
    and there was nothing
      to say.
I was yearning for words
      “The blueberries are so good,” she finally said
And I nodded, my heart broken open
      As a thousand birds
Flew out of the nest of my heart
       Into the sky above….
             Without another word…

Elizabeth Spring. July 31, 2023

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