Sh*tty Friend
Lately I've been a sh*tty friend.
I haven't been in therapy for a few months,
and I can tell need to go back.
I am so, so angry.
I wish I could pressure wash the thoughts from my mind.
It is 10:53pm on August 8th.
Yesterday, I had 6 of my broken teeth fixed at the dentist.
A year ago today,
My ex hit me in the face before bed.
I stood up to leave,
I tried to push past him,
and he screamed into my ear;
"DON'T YOU F*CKIN DO THAT. GET IN THE F*CKIN BED."
I got into the bed.
4 days later,
361 days ago,
He threw me on the floor,
Then he kicked me repeatedly.
I still had to stand at the BBQ and make dinner afterward.
I do not miss these things.
I do not miss him hurting me.
I do miss him buying me flowers, though.
I only miss the kind things he did,
and he only did those things after he hurt me.
I am furious with myself for this.
My rage is spilling over in all directions.
I feel bad for my friends for knowing me.
I wish I could direct my anger solely at him,
But I cannot do that when part of me misses him.
The anger trampolines its way back at me.
I want to tell him he's horrible.
I want to tell him I can't believe I ever thought he really loved me.
I want to tell him that he acted sadistically,
that he lacks a soul, or empathy,
and that I hope someone kicks him in the face while he's crying on the floor.
I want to say Karma's a way bigger b*tch than I ever was,
and now she's got your number, you prick.
I am angry that I cannot.
I cannot afford to have contact with him.
It would hurt me, not help me.
Regardless of this,
I draft him hateful emails.
I will never be able to hit send.
I have so much anger inside me,
It's making me a sh*tty friend.
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