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Poem
Selfishly or        
          helplessly 
As I lay here internally beat
Battered and bruised full of defeat 
My pillow so wet and sodden
So many tears so many I’ve forgotten 
This thought before has arisen
 But I still had fight a way out of this prison 
I was frightened before scared and unsure
Now I feel calmer 
No worry or drama 
Many will look down on me point the finger and say I lied
But I can honestly claim that I gave it my all I really tried 
My head so loud with constant voices 
None that make sense just painful noises 
Some say it’s a selfish act 
But they’re who still have peace and sanity intact 
Having looked so hard at myself inside 
Spent my life trying to hide 
Pretended and even denied 
It doesn’t matter how hard you run 
Wherever you go your feelings will come 
What of my loved ones what will they think 
My wife I’m sure won’t shed a tear no not one even a 
blink
My sons I believe will hurt and grieve 
I hope they in time will come to perceive   
That I did this not to hurt again 
It was the only way I’d get freedom from my pain
These feelings of blame shame and self hate
 i can’t carry no more   
I can’t hold their weight 
It’s torture for me knowing every day 
All my goodness is waisting away
That all love and kindness 
I carry inside I can’t share or give away 
Every time I try 
All I do is hurt and make them cry 
Some will say all the pain is is the proof 
And this may well hold some truth 
That I did this all by myself 
I have to highlight my internal health 
When inside all these emotions collide 
I didn’t confront them or looked for someone to confide 
Now they return with renewed capability 
Walking beside all your self pity 
Allow  all of them to roam freely inside 
And you have the recipe for suicide 
So many poor souls have laid here before 
Now my tears start to poor 
right now I have to confess 
Im overcome with loneliness 
I have no words I can make no sound 
These feelings are here they’re all around 
they slowly circle then lay by my Side 
They all take their turn to help me decide 
Hopeless useless guilt and pain so much hurt self hatred and sorrow 
If I don’t do this they will all be back tomorrow 
Do I do this selfishly 
or am I not struggling helplessly 
Turn out the light
Close your eyes tight 
Nothing now left to fight
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