Self Destructive

You meant nothing to me you were only a game I saw in you kindness A heart easy to tame The devil inside me smiled And spilt my golden lies I never thought about the day that I’d bring sadness to your eyes I know I hurt you I’m not sorry But it’s something I regret And yet You can bet I’d play this game again It’s not that I enjoy watching pain Perhaps I enjoy spreading it My own lack of trust converted to lust I can’t deny that I’m afraid For so long I’ve felt this way For so long I’ve been playing this game A game that makes me find a smile from seeing another’s broken heart A game that survives because I play my part A game where I take and don’t give much A game where I choose to care less about karma A game where I get someone who wants me to love them back like they love me like a mother, father, sister or brother But I know my heart is possessed by another I need someone to hurt so I can feel alive I need to feel better about being hurt when I see how many I’ve hurt in my archive In the beautiful space of love I choose to make a mess In something that is not a game I choose to play chess In something someone takes as a blessing I choose to make it a curse This is not the last time because I didn’t do it first I will forever be this way because my heart too wasn’t nursed Perfectly, so I walk this earth as a beautiful song but only on a broken record My tune in place, a perfect pitch and yet I’ll leave nothing when God flips my switch Nothing but my score sheet from all the games I’ve played Nothing but a list of all the hearts that I’ve betrayed I’m ashamed, Lord please change me -or is it too late? Will you change the path I’m on, or will this be my fate? I can’t even tell if I really loved her My feelings somehow blend In the end I’m left like this Alone within my world of pretend The truth is honestly, I’m scared Can I risk sharing all I am? ..and what if I’m just her game and love is one big mental scam? Nothing but a player Nothing but a washed off layer Of what used to be love but nothing is fair A black world that doesn’t care If I’ve got the white flag up all it does is dare me to destroy more hearts More broken pieces, more cuts Confidence in breaking hearts with no buts Let them believe in love like people in a mass Then when it’s time to give my heart up I take a pass One man for himself and God for us all My heart is for Him and not for any other person at all I’m a self destructive bomb Whenever you think life is good, I blow.