Screw It

One night as we pulled into the complex Over the bumpy Colonial Arms exit, Taj was sitting out on the brick stoop With a single light blinking over his serious face His mouth encased in a smoky cloud And a single flame at the end of his cigarette Tapping into an empty Heineken bottle I opened the door, and my slender leg Lengthened on slick black heel As I made my way to him Knowing that the night should be over Knowing that I had no plans to end it A couple of blinks and words later, I’m pressed to the bathroom wall And I’m losing it all Clothes, my red lipstick, my sanity “Screw it” already sealed my destiny And though some would say “You’re there for the ride” I’d so no, I’m just trying to survive I’m scrambling for a light in dark places The night’s not over, but I’d prefer to be An alcoholic fool to find it And before long, Taj knows what I’ve done And he calls and mocks my pride curses my god, insults my father And I try to hold it together My red chest in fistfuls of my shaking hands My vulnerable bitten lips Unable to sob through the shock Of my stupid heart, and the way I acted on all my misgivings This isn’t living But it’s a fact I’ll forget when I go And screw it up again With a friend, with a stranger, with a man with his fingers crossed behind his back I have to laugh When this morning, a year from then I find myself collapsed and chapped Sobbing into an already tear stained floor A fool has nothing to lose but his life And tonight, there’s not much between me And the knife That would take me there And as blood drips to the end of my golden hair Maybe I will find home And maybe my dream will let me murder the man Who stole it from me Screw it.