Screw It
One night as we pulled into the complex
Over the bumpy Colonial Arms exit,
Taj was sitting out on the brick stoop
With a single light blinking over his serious face
His mouth encased in a smoky cloud
And a single flame at the end of his cigarette
Tapping into an empty
Heineken bottle
I opened the door, and my slender leg
Lengthened on slick black heel
As I made my way to him
Knowing that the night should be over
Knowing that I had no plans to end it
A couple of blinks and words later,
I’m pressed to the bathroom wall
And I’m losing it all
Clothes, my red lipstick, my sanity
“Screw it” already sealed my destiny
And though some would say
“You’re there for the ride”
I’d so no, I’m just trying to survive
I’m scrambling for a light in dark places
The night’s not over, but I’d prefer to be
An alcoholic fool to find it
And before long, Taj knows what I’ve done
And he calls and mocks my pride
curses my god, insults my father
And I try to hold it together
My red chest in fistfuls of my shaking hands
My vulnerable bitten lips
Unable to sob through the shock
Of my stupid heart, and the way
I acted on all my misgivings
This isn’t living
But it’s a fact I’ll forget when I go
And screw it up again
With a friend, with a stranger, with a man
with his fingers crossed behind his back
I have to laugh
When this morning, a year from then
I find myself collapsed and chapped
Sobbing into an already tear stained floor
A fool has nothing to lose but his life
And tonight, there’s not much between me
And the knife
That would take me there
And as blood drips to the end of my golden hair
Maybe I will find home
And maybe my dream will let me murder the man
Who stole it from me
Screw it.
Copyright © Allison Ballard | Year Posted 2013
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