Resolution

I’ve been salting my eyes with artificial starlight- watching scientists try to explain where this all came from. They say not to worry because it was all just happenstance anyway. That when I die, the rot I feel is what I’ll become. But, my nightmares are in higher resolution- And I feel more watching my flesh split apart than seeing this 3D rendered Big Bang, they say is the closest thing to God I’ll find. I’m trying to convince myself that’s no reason to lose hope. That whatever truth is real, I have purpose- even if it’s as infinitesimal as this carapace cage. But what do I do when I need to pray? In which direction do I scream? I’ve had my own supernova in my head since I realized I was mortal, and needed purpose. I just want to know that the fireworks going off around me aren’t an illusion. That I’m not alone. Because, If I’m burning just to burn. If no one is watching. If no one is sending back their own signal. This agony isn’t worth the attention I give it. -James Kelley 2017