Regretting

please don’t love me i’m such a damned mess, darling i feel like a slob in all of my forms physically, emotionally, spiritually my mind hates my body my mind hates itself it twists the people i love into monsters i’m scared that if you love me i’ll love you back and i’ll make you into a monster when all you are is open arms and a smile i don’t want to get to know you i don’t want my mind to emphasize your imperfections and scrutinize every small detail when it suddenly feels like loving is a mistake my love works in waves it isn’t fair to you, to be loved by me i’m not a true lover i’m not forgiving or understanding or kind i get impatient and rash and angry and mean it’s all crooked i’m so sorry for the pains i know i’ve caused you each day, i pass between the walls of loving you fully and regretting each interaction we have it isn’t fair it can’t be sane perhaps this is a sign of something bad for myself or for us