Recovery

There’s a certain feeling 
When you close the door behind you. 
Freedom that comes 
Only with emotional safety. 
I don’t know where 
I don’t know how 
Not ever sure why
I accepted an invitation to spend the rest of
“Our lives together” 
 
Fast forward a week: red flags 
Fast forward two weeks: " " 
Fast forward a month
He’s a goner. 
“You were willing to fight so hard for this
I couldn’t be that kind of guy.” 
Huge, rolling, waving-in-the-wind Red Flag.
Everything crashing down in heaps. 
 
Got the picture? 
Sleepless nights 
Abandoned days 
ALL WE HAVE IS HINDSIGHT. 
Reminding me painfully of the time before 
And the time before that
And the time before that. 
 
Cannot recall the steady reliable influence of anyone 
Except the brutal rage of a tyrannical father,
cruel sabotage of the evil Stepmother,
And jealous antics of the Stepsister. 
Cinderella had it good!
How do I deal 
With the pain, the shame, the confusion, and guilt 
Failure, embarrassment, mutilation, and horror
Of yet another 
Failed Relationship?
 
Pain so intense 
it wakes me at
3:00 AM ruminating miserably 
Good enough excuse for morning. 
I am as emotionally crippled as 
The Tin Man without oil.  
Four baths a day 
Ice cream by the tub 
Mind if I smoke? 
Just tell me where I blew it. 
 
Never will I ever share another man’s bed 
Until I’ve seen his spots 
The mask has slipped,
And he stands 
As emotionally naked 
As I require of myself. 
Intimacy that brings you to your knees 
(on knees that no longer bend)
 
I never believed in recovery. 
Until I closed that door
Locked it 
And barricaded it.

abuseangstanti bullyingbetrayalfree verse

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