Recently

I’ve recently been reading a book that reminded me of how  little I am in this humongous world

It reminded me of how many boys with the same pigment as me, it reminded me of how many girls
Grow up in disgruntled homes yet advise their children to be better than thee 
They despise the pain given for their simple mistakes 
Yet this experience wasn’t  Known  to me 

This experience is what I wished for yes, 
Tho my experience is why I flee, into dark places in the middle of conversations 
Into barred rooms in the midst of congregation 

 It reminded me of the screams  I’d tucked and the fears i’d learned to ignore 
It took me back to glorious disguises followed by returning home and crying behind locked doors 

It reminded me of the beating of my body it reminded me of why I find comfort in the floor

It reminded me of the pain that was overthrowing my soul
No matter how much I plead it reminded me of the gore

It reminds me of the reason I don’t allow my tears to openly trickle
It reminds me of the pain I have disguised with joy 

It reminds me of my friends who can’t see through my façade 
It reminds me of these feelings so coy 

It reminded me of the homes of the happy the homes of the free it reminded me of how many feelings were “between the world and me”

It reminded me of the desire to surround myself with those who mirror my pain

It reminded me of the need to distance myself from those who notice my shame 

recently I’ve been basking in the glory of a temporary happiness 
A happiness I pray every night will never leave 

Recently it would appear that my heart has fallen hoary
recently I’ve been praying that my cuts finally bleed

Recently I’ve been reminded of experiences I forgot I lived through 
 Recently I’ve been struggling to figure out who 
Who 
Who gave her the right to bask in my shame  
WHO gave me this life 
Who gave me this pain 

Recently I’ve isolated myself from those closest to me 
Because they can’t understand 
They can’t see why I flee
They can’t see the bruises on my dark skin
They can’t see the tears that only shed in dark rooms 
They can’t see the insecurities derived from beatings, jokes, friendships, eternal doom
They can’t tell that I’m not free

They don’t see the strings dangling from my hands every time I move 
They don’t see the rope strangling the life out of my soul they don’t see who 
Who 
is in control of me, they don’t see the trauma 
They don’t see the desire to let go. 
They don’t know the reasoning, 
they can’t see it, 
They can try but 
they just don’t know 

They don’t understand I rest yet I’m never able to dream 
They don’t understand how I struggle for my scars not to be seen 
They don’t notice the pain in my smile 
They can’t hear  the passion in my scream 

They don’t understand that the  therapy didn’t work  

They don’t understand things aren’t always what the seem 

They don’t understand that I can’t express my sorrow or the privileges handed will be gone as quickly as they were given to me

they don’t understand the feeling that one day i will not be able to contain myself mentally 

I’ve recently been experiencing a feeling  

a happiness very much deserved
Yet it would appear I don’t deserve it 

I’ve recently been experiencing a feeling 
A feeling like Peace 
A feeling like love 
A feeling like joy 
A feeling that makes me forget my pain 
I’ve recently met a boy 

one deserving of the world 
Though it would appear the world doesn’t agree
One deserving of a beautiful unscarred lover 
Though the world has paired him with me 
one deserving of no shame 

Though it seems shame travels to anyone with a soul 
One deserving of no pain
Though over pain we have no control
Though he doesn’t openly show his pain 
And His pain isn’t something I Know 
I hear his pain in his speak in his heart beat I see his pain in his walk 

I feel his cries when we kiss 
I feel his desire when we talk

I’ve recently been awarded a year of peace to cancel the lifetime of trauma 

I’ve recently been awarded the life I prayed I could run away from
I’ve recently been given a second chance at a happiness 
Though it would appear the problem is me 
because underneath my strong happy exterior 
Is a damaged girl yearning to be freed 


it would appear that my scars gained me nothing  
but dripping  blood to confirm my body has fallen cold
It would appear my memories of peace were simply disguised pain
And my pain is now old 

I’ve recently become content with life
Recently I’ve remembered my ignored fears 
And as I fall back into place 
Of the life I begged to leave 
This time I shall openly shed my tears

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