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Recently
I’ve recently been reading a book that reminded me of how little I am in this humongous world It reminded me of how many boys with the same pigment as me, it reminded me of how many girls Grow up in disgruntled homes yet advise their children to be better than thee They despise the pain given for their simple mistakes Yet this experience wasn’t Known to me This experience is what I wished for yes, Tho my experience is why I flee, into dark places in the middle of conversations Into barred rooms in the midst of congregation It reminded me of the screams I’d tucked and the fears i’d learned to ignore It took me back to glorious disguises followed by returning home and crying behind locked doors It reminded me of the beating of my body it reminded me of why I find comfort in the floor It reminded me of the pain that was overthrowing my soul No matter how much I plead it reminded me of the gore It reminds me of the reason I don’t allow my tears to openly trickle It reminds me of the pain I have disguised with joy It reminds me of my friends who can’t see through my façade It reminds me of these feelings so coy It reminded me of the homes of the happy the homes of the free it reminded me of how many feelings were “between the world and me” It reminded me of the desire to surround myself with those who mirror my pain It reminded me of the need to distance myself from those who notice my shame recently I’ve been basking in the glory of a temporary happiness A happiness I pray every night will never leave Recently it would appear that my heart has fallen hoary recently I’ve been praying that my cuts finally bleed Recently I’ve been reminded of experiences I forgot I lived through Recently I’ve been struggling to figure out who Who Who gave her the right to bask in my shame WHO gave me this life Who gave me this pain Recently I’ve isolated myself from those closest to me Because they can’t understand They can’t see why I flee They can’t see the bruises on my dark skin They can’t see the tears that only shed in dark rooms They can’t see the insecurities derived from beatings, jokes, friendships, eternal doom They can’t tell that I’m not free They don’t see the strings dangling from my hands every time I move They don’t see the rope strangling the life out of my soul they don’t see who Who is in control of me, they don’t see the trauma They don’t see the desire to let go. They don’t know the reasoning, they can’t see it, They can try but they just don’t know They don’t understand I rest yet I’m never able to dream They don’t understand how I struggle for my scars not to be seen They don’t notice the pain in my smile They can’t hear the passion in my scream They don’t understand that the therapy didn’t work They don’t understand things aren’t always what the seem They don’t understand that I can’t express my sorrow or the privileges handed will be gone as quickly as they were given to me they don’t understand the feeling that one day i will not be able to contain myself mentally I’ve recently been experiencing a feeling a happiness very much deserved Yet it would appear I don’t deserve it I’ve recently been experiencing a feeling A feeling like Peace A feeling like love A feeling like joy A feeling that makes me forget my pain I’ve recently met a boy one deserving of the world Though it would appear the world doesn’t agree One deserving of a beautiful unscarred lover Though the world has paired him with me one deserving of no shame Though it seems shame travels to anyone with a soul One deserving of no pain Though over pain we have no control Though he doesn’t openly show his pain And His pain isn’t something I Know I hear his pain in his speak in his heart beat I see his pain in his walk I feel his cries when we kiss I feel his desire when we talk I’ve recently been awarded a year of peace to cancel the lifetime of trauma I’ve recently been awarded the life I prayed I could run away from I’ve recently been given a second chance at a happiness Though it would appear the problem is me because underneath my strong happy exterior Is a damaged girl yearning to be freed it would appear that my scars gained me nothing but dripping blood to confirm my body has fallen cold It would appear my memories of peace were simply disguised pain And my pain is now old I’ve recently become content with life Recently I’ve remembered my ignored fears And as I fall back into place Of the life I begged to leave This time I shall openly shed my tears
Copyright © 2024 Deasia Luster. All Rights Reserved

Book: Shattered Sighs