Randy Wanted To Be Dashing

Standing reverent in a dull cast mist glazing my cheeks while prayers were said so silent stood at Rand's memorial My mind dashed to the self-drawn sketch he staged as "The Youthful Raconteur"; profile, pipe, wavy cinema legend hair - his final role, being lowered by rope into a eternal, earthen wall home Flowers fell like words fall, droplets in air completing his circle, our circle too His "Janie" bowed, seated solitary almost estranged by her own dreams dashed her beauty gone long ago, buried too As the "Wedding Cake Couple" sixty years past right up to the very day of their marriage which proved a confection in itself Rand was the one who always got the girl perky, popular, blonde, "Homecoming Queen" They spent lifetimes contriving their image striving for the unattainable ideal then crashing, having to pick up the pieces, not content, tortured by delusions This is how my older brother's life ends a cacophony of misadventures He wanted to be called only Rand not Randall and never Randy, just Rand So then, I always called him Randy it's what a younger brother must do to bring one down to earth, he was up there Chasing fate, dashing towards his destiny daring too often, reality hits head on His good looks, handsome physique were no match for surging corporate expectations while sinking, his wake tipped lots of boats his marriage, his family in a free fall my piddling attempts to help were futile Truth was, I never knew his inner mind I guess I loved him but I don't know - was he simply the superior image or the vulnerable suffering reality? So he flailed through his eighty eight years disconsolate, in debt and detached, his affections only came in a knot Where were Randy's spiritual benefactors? Are we heirs of our actions, not wishes? Can we dream but not make dreams our masters? So what about my own selfish frailties? I take no pride in this awful life's play my failures were many and to think now I lost a life so close, that I watched for so long devolve and did so little - will be with me forever, this my fate; not dashing towards the ones I love most