Queer Fear
At first it's just a glance or two
Then a blush before you knew
What was going on
Denial begins to dawn.
There is no way
That I could be gay…
But that girl is so pretty
She looks so soft, pity
That I like guys
It's the look in the eyes
Beneath her lids lie mysteries,
Easier to fall deep into
Previous thoughts ensue,
The curves of her lips pull my head askew.
But with his eyes there is a firmness,
A safe and solid surface
To be his boo
A joy renewed
A check with society says it's okay.
I like a guy so I can't be gay
...Right?
Your confidence in your strait bends,
What would happen if you talked to your friends?
Would they think i'm weird or gross?
Will I lose the people that are close?
I’ll figure it out on my own
I start to notice girls more
When they talk to me I stare at the floor.
A similar feeling comes up
When it's on guys I call it a crush.
I tell my mind to hush
In the safety of the screen I explore
I start questioning more.
A girl online,
A friend of mine
Asks me out
Inside I want to shout.
I hid the phone calls for a while
Covering the blushed cheeks and smiles.
Not letting anyone see
What would they think of me?
Clocks don't stop
And neither do the thoughts
Eventually I take the fall
I say f**k it all
Then to tell the friends,
Some say they already knew
One applauds my break though.
A few freeze
I feel my chest squeeze.
Rising strong is the fear of rejection,
Followed in close second by fear of disconnection
To those I care about
Most of them move past the freeze
The rest turned it into tease.
But friends don't last forever,
Especially those that can't handle this endeavor
Family stays with you
So my anxiety grew
First mom, then dad
Blank faces drove me mad
Their mouths spoke acceptance
Their eyes said animosity.
New rules are placed down
Making me feel like a clown
No sleepovers with friends anymore
No boys before, now no one
Many long emails packed with frustration,
And some ignorance duration
Acceptance came slowly
But is now embraced fully
Now in a house without fear,
I can truly be with and near
those I love without the apprehension
and fear of damnation.
Now my biggest secret is out
And I have no reason to doubt
I am Bisexual
Copyright © Elissa Quigley | Year Posted 2019
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