Pull Myself Together

I just want to grab myself, and shake myself, until all the sadness in me falls out. I visualise it, as dusty pile of crushed velvet threads, crushed like my very soul. I want to smile again, and really mean it but I can't, because behind every look on my face, there are my eyes that betray me, haunting dark circles, barely containing the deep and brooding swell. I want to be held and consoled, but not by anyone but you, friends have tried to comfort me, and I am afraid to seem ungrateful, but I am shaking and falling apart all the time, so I hide from those that would care. I want to stop falling, I feel the wind in my gut, while my heart randomly surges, like a fist pushing on my ribs, it makes me sick and it hurts, I hurt from many directions. I want to be yours, I don't want to own you, but you can have me, and do with me as you like, for I know and trust you, and you are lovely. I want closure, but I am afraid to admit, that to control this descent. I would have to let you go, and I am not ready to, and I never will be. Because I love you.