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Prepare the Guillotine

So it's become aware
Another ounce of revolution to dare
A dream rather a statement once declared
False, now a lie
Hardly a surprise
Feels like that is my lot in my life
I so desperately want to belong
I so desperately cling to this false hope of camaraderie
That I blindly believe I can outgrow my silence
That no matter how far I travel out of my comfort zone
Know who I am where I rest my head
Where I lay now is not my bed
So in this foreign land I have to ask myself
"Who are you? "
"Why do you change so much with your surroundings? " 
"Why can't you be who you've always been? "
"Is it because you're afraid you won't be accepted? "
"Is it because you're afraid of revealing all your cards? "
What is your problem? What is your deal? 
I always ask myself but I never have an answer
All I hear is the sound of droplets of water from the clouds of this brainstorm
The sound makes it feel much more lonely than it should be
Sadly enough this is what it feels to be me
Stuck on the outside looking in
A phantom looking through the glass
No past, no future
Just rushing to embrace the present for a brief second since every second is the future and you want to make it count for something
Though it feels all that something amounts to nothing sometimes
Why do I keep finding more ways to succumb to my own thoughts
Suffocating under the weight of my own scrutiny
The prosecutor and executioner of my own judgement
Prepare the guillotine
I offer you my head in exchange for peace of mind
I offer you my head in exchange to be better
I need to be better
Why can't I be better
Yet here I sit indulging my growing frustrations in a rhythm I can't identify
Instead of enjoying the company in the people around me
I love this woman to death
I love this woman and her world
I love this woman and her family
Still I feel like an outcast unsuccessfully trying to merge with her universe
I'm trying my best not to speak about it
Not to turn my own fears into reality
This means way too much 
I don't know why
She's already mine, my love is returned
So why do I try so hard
Why am I trying so hard
Because this island wants to return to the mainland but I'm stuck in my own port
Floating and floating with the sharks always circling
While the tide is an ever present thorn in my side
Maybe if I kill my pride, I'll kill this price upon my head
This ransom I can't pay
The price I pay, staving off my dreams of having a family someday
If I can't integrate into one and I have no place in my own
Do I even have a right to one? 
I've been 23 for 2 days and my midlife crisis has been dragging on for 4 years
I've been 23 for 2 days and I don't know how to be...

Copyright © | Year Posted 2018

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