Pilchard the Penguin Looks Up

[For the uninitiated and for the avoidance of confusion, this poem features a Penguin called Pilchard and a Pilchard called Penguin] _____________________________________ Pilchard the Penguin had heard a loud cry A reindeer was plummeting out of the sky He quickly re-counted and saw with dismay It was a herd… just ahead of a sleigh He stepped to one side to be clear of the crash Just staying put might have been a bit rash The first thing to hit was a man dressed in red Who landed before all the reindeer he led An ice hole where Penguin the pilchard says “Hi.” Now had two legs pointing up to the sky But from an ice hole that was somewhere nearby Penguin the pilchard said, “Oops, poor guy.” And then he said, “Duck, this ain’t over by far, There’s a whole load of moose and a little red car.” And just as he’d said it the herd hit the ice The mess that it made was not very nice. Penguin the Pilchard cried, “Man turning blue! Any idea what a pilchard can do?” Pilchard the Penguin said, “Ain’t got a clue, He’s simply too hefty for me or for you.” One reindeer, quite dazed but still fairly astute Said, “Why don’t you tie my reins onto his boot, But once that daft oaf is up out of the hole Could you make saving my sisters your goal?” They pulled and they pulled and the stuck man popped out And Pilchard the Penguin turned quickly about “He looks just like Santa, but he’s way off course.” The reindeer said, “He won’t show any remorse,” “He sacked all his reindeer and took us on cheap He thought that would mean lots of profit he’d reap. But Rudolph was legend, a magical guy The rest of us aren’t all that great in the sky.” Santa Claus coughed and he said, “They’re quite mad, There’s snow and there’s penguins and ice to be had. So whilst I can’t claim that our crash was well planned It’s clear that we’ve come down to Earth in Lapland.” Pilchard the Penguin said, “Go back to school, Penguins don’t live in the arctic, you fool. These reindeer are battered for they’ve been misled, Think yourself lucky that they’re not all dead.” Santa said, “I need a yurt and some booze.” Pilchard said, “Next you’ll be wanting igloos, But you won’t find penguins residing in yurts.” And Santa just muttered, “I think my head hurts.” One of the reindeer was neck deep in snow But there was one thing that he needed to know. He finally managed to pull himself loose And said, “Where’s that fish that just called me a moose?” Penguin the pilchard called out, “Hey there, Bambi, What’s up with you - getting all mamby pamby? It takes a right numpty to try landing here, And then to crash land in the wrong hemisphere.” By now all the reindeer were falling around But all of them stopped at a well known sound The sound was a chuckle which went, “Ho Ho Ho.” And then Santa said, “Come on girls, time to go.” Pilchard the penguin said, “Before you leave, I need a gift so my fish friend can breathe, For then we can roam from the pole to Nantucket.” Santa said, “All that you need is a bucket.” The reindeer and Santa soared into the sky And Pilchard the penguin was waving goodbye He held up a bucket of water and ice So Penguin the pilchard could say, “It’s been nice.” And Pilchard the Penguin called, “Fly safe, you hear?” A reindeer looked back and yelled, “See you next year, But when the sleigh comes flying straight as a goose Be assured, it won’t be pulled by a moose!”