P

p The first today. The first in some time now. Beneath the strained and toughened husk of tissue, a heart given shape by the corregated cardboard armature scavenged and rigged together in haste for the sake of offspring. Years pass, and today... maybe... an attempt to put to words a fraction. No more is practical. Ambition to share it all is laughable. It cannot be shared. It refuses. It defies. It mocks. The offspring play, in the big back yard my Heavenly Father permitted me to buy despite my failings innumerable. Lessons suffered. They toss water balloons, squealing gleefully. Something I've done right. I'm a father. I cannot give them what I had growing up. It pains me. I had a dad, a mom, a sibling. My dad was my step, but always dad to me. I cannot give them what I had. I'm too fat. I'm too fat. The sounds of nature, so beautiful. The birds I hear through the thin glass pane of a basement window. The tinnitus in my ears. The mechanical hum of a deep freezer compressor. Something else, I'm not sure what. Another hum, outside. It's not the air conditioner compressor. That's not on. Hmm... Stomp stomp stomp stomp my ten year old crosses the living room upstairs, overhead. The girls are in the kitchen making dish noises. Probably doing something they shouldn't. But I'm going to let them be. I don't want to bring down the fun just yet. Now the AC is on. So maybe it was a compressor. It sounded like a mind control device. No matter. This recliner is sharp. Staples poking my right thigh. My ex wife wanted it, bought it used 14 years ago, as part of a "pregnancy furniture" campaign. It's worn out now. Foam protruding from the left and right. Is it a poem? To what category would it belong? The title could be something now, not just p for poem. But I am what I am. Perhaps it should be what it is. McDonald's again. I wanted not to, but it happened. Hunger came predictably and we were not near the house. Temptation is strong when satisfaction is convenient. Lies, such lies. This is what you want, even if it keeps you from what you need. Give in because it's okay this time. It's okay this time. I love my children. Thank You Father, for them. Forgive me of my failings. Please, and thank You. Where is she? Where is she? I wish I knew. She who could. She who would. Alas. To avoid the fruitless waste of energy, I change the subject of my thoughts. Because I'm too fat.