Open wound

You are an open wound
In the depths of my memory.
Years down the line,
Your actions still haunt me.

Never have I healed
From the wound that you left.
It’s oozed and infected
But I cover it up.

It helps not seeing you;
Pretending you’re not real.
But that’s not healing,
Only outright denial.

That we were friends.
That you plunged the knife.
Twisted it deep
And left.
All the blame was put on me.

In my fragile broken mess,
You tossed me to the ground.
You trampled me down
Instead of building me up.

You played victim and laughed
As I cracked around the edges.
I kept forgiving and you hated that;
You wanted someone to scream
And tell you this is wrong. 
You wanted retaliation.
You never got it.

I kept forgiving and you loved that;
You were being accepted
Despite all the harm caused.
You continued your actions
Knowing you hurt me.
You wanted someone to never give up.
And you were getting that.

Denial is fine
For a period of time,
But its denying your existence
That affects my life.

It erases a piece of me 
That was watching me grow.
It takes away memories
I used to be fond of.
The ones I can’t think back on
With feeling the pain.

You were the first 
Toxicity I met
And I remember clearly
The memory that broke me.

On a night before an exam
You broke me at 4a.m.
Lies upon lies,
Knowing I’d believe them all.

Face wet and salty
And unable to breathe
As you tell me you wanted 
To find my breaking point.
For someone so forgiving,
It was hard for you to imagine
I had one at all.

I don’t speak of it often,
But you destroyed me that night.
A piece of me left
And I can’t get it back.
All I wanted was friendship
But you never gave me the chance.
You were chasing me away
Before it even began.

You were the first 
Toxicity I met.
One I never planned
To let go of.
I saw in you something
That longed to be saved.
I wanted to help.
In the end, I let go
But not by my choice.

When you left
It was relief.
And what’s when I knew.
You broke me
So it took longer to grow.

Sometimes I wish you stayed.
But then those memories
Come flooding back.
I don’t wish you stayed.
I’m happy you’re still gone.
I can hardly breathe
When your name comes up.
The tension in my heart
Is a discomfort I never wanted to know.

I’m glad you never stayed.
I just wish you could see
How I grew with you gone. 

You are an open wound
That I cover up
Because if I don’t
My reality will crash
And that wound will kill me.

Copyright © Micheala Ruth September | Year Posted 2023

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