Obsession

10/10/2019 I tried to write today, but I couldn’t manage it. You see, there’s a speck of dirt stuck to the paper. I tried not to let it get to me, but to no avail, And had already begun trying to get it off. Scratching at it was no use, I couldn’t get under the thing. And washing a paper would defeat the purpose. It seemed impossible to pry off. I can’t live with it in my sight, yet can’t throw it away. I’ll have to take my mind off it somehow, So I can rest easy tonight. Just the thought of it will haunt me. Tomorrow I can write again. 10/11/2019 I got another piece of paper today, And had managed to get the speck out of my head, Just long enough to get some thoughts out. But something else is bothering me. Now that I think about it, I can’t stop myself. All the abnormalities of the patterns on the wall, The crumbs on the desk, Even the nearly invisible creases in this paper. I need to get out a bit more, There’s no way I can function like this. I can talk more when I’ve dealt with this, But for now this is all I can think about. 10/12/2019 I couldn’t go to sleep last night. I had turned on the fan in my room, But its spinning motion had fascinated me. The quink motion blurs it together, But if you focus on a single blade, following it, It starts to become clear. After a while I decided to get up. There was nothing to do, but anything was better Then staring at the cursed fan. I found a rubber wall stick toy, molded into the shape of a dragon. My brother probably got it from a teacher. After spending the rest of the night trying to keep the wings apart, I passed out. 10/13/2019 I can’t stay in this house, The abundance of dust has only become more clear. My brain won’t rest and I’m seeing things I haven’t before. The edges of my nails that are begging to be cut, The imperfections in the palms of my hands, The papers not all in a straight pile, The lines of my handwriting inhabiting them, The dust scattered over the tables, And the finger marks breaking the unity. My head is spinning And I can’t make it stop. Round and round the ceiling goes. 10/14/2019 Ah, the beauty of sleep medicine. I finally had a good night’s rest, And I think I have an idea on what to write about. Until next time, Journal. And please, deal with the erase marks, I need a break. -Connor Lotts