Numb
It's not sadness that haunts me.
Sadness has shape.
Sadness has weight.
Sadness weeps and wails and rips the air apart-
It moves.
Sadness is a storm.
You can feel it crash through your chest,
Leave splinters in your lungs.
But you survive it.
You know it's there.
Numbness?
Numbness is the quiet aftermath-
When the wind has died
But the wreckage surrounds you.
And no one asks if you're okay
Because everything seems fine.
Numbness is not the fire-
It's the ashes.
It's waking up and feeling
Nothing.
Not peace
Not pain
Not even that hollow ache that used to howl through your ribcage.
Just static.
Just the blur.
You walk through the day
Like a ghost with skin.
Laughing on cue,
Nodding on time
Saying "I'm fine" so well
You almost forget it's a lie.
But you're not fine.
You're disappearing.
Slowly.
Softly.
So quietly that even you didn't notice at first.
You don't cry
Because crying would mean something hurts.
You don't scream,
Because screaming would mean
There's something left to fight for.
You just go still.
You just exist.
Not live. Not dream. Not hope.
Just survive.
Just... endure.
And that's the horror of it-
The normalcy of it.
The way numbness slips into your bones
Like it belongs there.
The way you start to forget what sunlight
Used to feel like
Before it turned to wallpaper,
Flat on the walls, like decoration.
Not warmth.
You eat, not because you're hungry-
Because it's time.
You sleep, not because you're tired-
Because you can't bear to be awake anymore.
People say "take care of yourself"
But how do you care for something
You can't even feel?
They ask what's wrong and
You want to scream
"I DON'T KNOW"
"I JUST FEEL GONE"
But the words rot on your tongue.
Because numbness steals even that.
And maybe the scariest part?
You almost get used to it.
You almost accept this half-life.
You almost stop noticing
You're not really here.
Almost.
Until one day,
You look in the mirror
And realize you can't remember the last time
You saw someone human
Looking back.
And in that moment,
You understand-
This. Isn't. Living.
This is drowning,
In a sea no one can see,
Suffocating without sound,
And wondering if anyone will ever notice.
You've gone under.
Copyright © Elaina Lester-Dame | Year Posted 2025
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