New Instructions

If you’re planning to go to heaven don’t expect to be greeted by St. Peter, he’s been replaced by a new computerized entry system installed into a pearly gate. Each hopeful entrant will first have to learn how to use it, of course; but rest assured, it’s been designed for maximum efficiency and is user friendly. Just follow the seven easy instructions posted in hundreds of languages to guarantee quick entry where bliss awaits one and all. Here’s how it works: • If you know you are saved, press 1. • If you’re not sure but want to be, press 2. • If you think you are unworthy, press 3. • If atheist or agnostic, press 4. • If none of the above, press 5. • If you are short on patience and humility, press 6 and hold; a representative will assist you. And be aware that your conversation will be recorded for review purposes.