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New Era Criticism Please

Today I was born
My days were gone
I want to live a fresh life
In case of the day I will be gone
And to refresh my past leave
And to less be a lion
I am a goon
I have received gong
But those days were gone
I am now young
In my days of young
I aimed to be the most strong
So that whenever I am going
People on the pavement would be trembling

However, I am a graduate
With force I finished my SHS grade, but
Now, each day stream drip
My eyes are faint and deep
Those days of not aged
I imitate my fellow friends
Which make us
A congenial friends

8/8/15


This write based on a man who use his youth a thuggery, but latter in future he realized his mistake.
Today I was born: human will be born twice before they die; I mean when One is of aged or grown old  
Pavement: road side

Please I need criticism on this!

Copyright © Afolabi Muideen | Year Posted 2015

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Constance La France Date: 8/10/2015 6:47:00 PM AM, I like the fact that your English is not perfect, I think it adds to the charm of your writing, my suggestion is to break away from the left margin writing at times, put in some indented lines or center your poem or break it up into shorter stanzas, sometimes after I write a poem I play with until I think it is visually appealing to the reader but I like this and the message is good 7 and thanks for visiting my randomling poem Login to Reply Afolabi Muideen Date: 8/10/2015 8:21:00 PM I don't know how to give a thanks for your wonderful comment because it spikes my heart and touched my wound. Am very grateful..........A.M.

Robert Lindley Date: 8/9/2015 1:51:00 PM A7 , as is but trust me you could better the poem by some editing to smooth it out some.... note , just my personal view--you the artist must decide what you write and how you care to improve it. Reject and adopt what works best for you my friend.. Your have poetic talent-- so grow it and be proud! Login to Reply Afolabi Muideen Date: 8/10/2015 1:26:00 PM Thanks a lot I do appreciate your comment and your advise is very helpful.......A.M.

Robert Lindley Date: 8/9/2015 1:47:00 PM Advice-- here goes.. You have great passion, great lines come to you but slow down, sort the verses as they come. Write as it comes and resort later to make it flow better. I do this myself often myself. Sometimes the brain crashes out verses we must take time to make it more sensible. And stay focused on one topic-one theme- in each poem unless otherwise intending to cover a bigger base. Login to Reply Afolabi Muideen Date: 8/10/2015 12:57:00 PM Thanks a lot I do appreciate your comment.......A.M.

Bl Devnath Date: 8/9/2015 1:37:00 PM Yes, we are born more than once. A philosophical poem my lovely friend. 7 i feel. Loved always,bl Login to Reply Afolabi Muideen Date: 8/10/2015 12:21:00 PM Thanks for stopped by to comment it is appreciated.....A.M.

Emile Pinet Date: 8/8/2015 4:43:00 PM Your mind set flows gently onto the page and we can relate with you and where your words lead us. A poem offering quiet reflection on the essence of being human and sharing an experience intrinsic to our species. Emile. Login to Reply Afolabi Muideen Date: 8/8/2015 7:15:00 PM Thank you for your wonderful comment Emile I do appreciate it.......A.M.

Nette Onclaud Date: 8/8/2015 1:29:00 PM i like what your thematic concept and message, afolabi... a little revision would give this worthy piece more impact... really nice and full of wisdom!.. huggs Login to Reply Afolabi Muideen Date: 8/8/2015 2:43:00 PM Thanks for your comment I do appreciate it. I love to seeing good people stand by me, I'm very grateful......A.M.

Tim Smith Date: 8/8/2015 1:02:00 PM I love the meaning here my friend. Just let your feelings flow. Login to Reply Afolabi Muideen Date: 8/8/2015 2:36:00 PM Thanks for your comment I do appreciate it........A.M.

Sara Kendrick Date: 8/8/2015 7:15:00 AM I am not one to try to help on this form..I enjoyed reading your work..It is good that this person is reborn into a new creation..Thanks for the visits to my page..Sara Login to Reply Afolabi Muideen Date: 8/8/2015 2:19:00 PM Thanks for your comment.....A.M.

Demetrios Trifiatis Date: 8/8/2015 4:54:00 AM When ideas rush into our mind we should take the time to put them in order according to what is more important for us. It is better to write more about a single idea than to write less about a plethora of them. You have passion which is characteristic of a young person but you have not to let it run wild. Your talent is obvious. Use it wisely. You asked for criticism. This is a fatherly advise! Powerful writing! Login to Reply Afolabi Muideen Date: 8/8/2015 7:20:00 AM I'm so much grateful to you, I like you comment it is helpful. Poetry give me joy, I don't plan to leave it for life and a situation where by I will be told to find something else to do I don't want it, the only way to make me strong is to criticize me poem. I love that. Thank you very much.......A.M.