my rapist's follow request on facebook

ping! like pavlov's dog, i glance quick at my phone new facebook follow request. i click the account click! my rapist. it's been nearly 14 years since the first the time he laid his hands on me but i feel them like it was this morning. ping! his son liked my post on Instagram , are they working together? are they a team again? father and son, teacher and apprentice, master of none but my skin still crawls upon hearing the slither of their namesakes, so i block the account, but something in me is wrong because why do i hunger to accept it, let him back in my life, let him ruin me again, the death threats, the fear, the theoretical gun to my head that once became real, i squandered my childhood, thinking we were in love, we were not. the thing about being groomed at 6 years old by your friend's father like a dog, like a pet, is that you become a monster of his making. people tell you you're not, but i am, i know i am. I don't commit his sins, i never would, i never would. but the images that conjure in my mind get harder to escape as i hear his voice in the back of my head clinging to me like saran wrap, scratching my insides, it gets wrapped tighter and tighter and i am not a fighter hell, I'm barely a survivor. i want to be free of his grasp, we moved houses, we don't drive down that road anymore, but i know he'll find me. he already has, he's within, and i don't know how to stop him. i think i used to be scared that one day, that chokehold he had on me would just get a fraction past too tight, and his hands would finally clasp, and I'd dissipate. but what scares me now, is that I'm not afraid anymore. because what if i become like him, what if that's all I'm destined to be? if you're keeping your head above water by using others to stay afloat are you even worth saving? or do you just let yourself drown? he told me i was perfect so i changed, desperate to be rid of him i changed and that terrifies me. because what if, now that we're finally apart, i can't go back to who i once was? who was i? I'm not sure i know anymore. i worry he knows me better than i ever will. what if he chose me because he saw a reflective version of himself in my eyes, and used my body as disguise? tampered with me from within, tainted with his eagerness to be within. i want to heal, i want to forget that it happened, i want to forget those four years. but I can't. cause they're ingrained in me and that's because that's what he wanted, and he taught me in 1st grade that he is a man, and he will always get what he wants from me. so i shut up, and i stay quiet, i stayed quiet. but I'm breaking my silence now, I'm holding onto my dignity and remains of strength like a vow, because i cannot fathom losing myself in him once again i cannot lose my life in a man that bed a six year old instead of his own wife i will not be his victim, i will not wash ashore, i will not go quietly, i will scream forevermore.