My Player is playing to Lose

My life's a fcking mess, watching myself rapidly digress it's outta control.. I'm so f*king stressed I so badly want to change But I'm already way too far from success I let out a huge sigh and stop holding my breath Think to myself "what the frickin heck" And just go with the flow That I'm pretty sure nobody really knows So stuck in my mind Simultaneously racing & slowly floating through time Bc I'm in my self created dimension .. it just doesn't exist N every chance I have at happiness my brain just resists Kicking and screaming Like it's not meant for my soul Finally realizing I was created solely to make others feel whole Only feeling at home when alone forever made to feel wrong Been broken for so long Strolling around blindly with my life's theme song bumpin super strong .. it's like I got stuck in this "What the f*ck RUT" and just accepted defeat Not even tryna get up counting each round As I fade in & out Hearing them yell "let the btch die" "she's just a ghost in a shell" Realizing the whole time that it's been my own voice speaking every word that I've heard And this misery that surrounds me has always been by choice I was meant to feel pain w/ only knowledge & life lessons to gain I just thought this was a game but knew my fate was already made by whoever was playing the character with my name .... who happens to fckng suck, by the way