My Biggest Bully
I'll never be enough for you
It dawned on me
You know my darkest secrets
And deepest fears
You hold the keys to the kingdom
It's my own mind
Where you made me a serf
Working day after day
To build you up
So night after night
You can tear me down
On the good days
I manage my ADHD
I convince myself people care
I can ignore the lazy eye
But on the bad days...
My ADHD consumes me
I convince myself nobody cares
The lazy eye reminds me I'll never be normal
That's why my biggest bully
Isn't society
It isn't those I work with
It isn't those in my personal life
My biggest bully
Is me
The disdain I see in the mirror
The disgust at touching myself
Wondering how this thing became me
I've achieved so little
Every achievement feels hollow
I latch on to every chance to feel like I matter
Because deep down
I'm filled with regrets
Imagining how little changes in choices
Could have resulted in a much better present
I'm lost and all alone
In the maze we call life
I don't want to see the man in the mirror
I want to run from him
Because at the end of the day
I'm not bullying myself
I'm trying to make myself better
But I'm so mentally sick
I don't know if I can ever be well again
And I wonder
What will my legacy be
Who will write the story
And fill all of the pages
Would they even know the truth
If I didn't spell it out for them
Or will my story
Be erased and forgotten
Like I never existed
My veins are throbbing
I'm on my knees sobbing
This is my legacy
Stumbling on broken bones
And histories that never happened
I see that
In the eyes in the mirror
I'm not Moses
I can't part a red sea
When it flows from the wound in my chest
Perhaps a bullet
Spoke louder than my heart
Ever could have
And a fist through the mirror
Sending shards and blood flying
Time slows down
Piano notes fill my mind
I'm an atheist
And I don't believe in Hell
Because my mind
Is worse than Hell could ever be
And my legacy
Is that from it I shall never be free
So my biggest bully
...Is me
Copyright © Christopher Goss | Year Posted 2023
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