Mrs Columbus Speaks

MRS. COLUMBUS SPEAKS “Hi, honey pie..... just got back from America.” Wipe your feet. Returned from where? “Just seen Statue of Liberty and Wall Street.” You been away for two years and That’s all you’ve done? Saw a statue and a wall? We thought you’d be back sooner, but Mum thought you’d fallen off the edge of the world. (One of her private wishes come true.) “Oh, your mother’s off her hinges..... She’s crazy.” By the way, ’Lumbo, that front door hinge still isn’t fixed: When you’ve had a cup of tea you can get off your tush and fix it. “Don’t tell me they’ve got tea from Cathay so soon! Oh no” That Queen What’s-her-name was here every week asking For you, thought you’d skipped town With her three ships or something. Wanted to know if you’d phoned or emailed me. I said gimme a break, lady, they aren’t invented yet. “Well, honey pie, I was in a great city with yellow cabs and subways and.....” Oh yeah, I’ve heard all these stories about how advanced America is - Got any photos of the place? Oh, by the way that mapmaker you got to draw your maps for the trip needs paying. “Fat chance! The maps were all to hell - I’m telling you, honey pie, there’s a freakin’ big continent Blocking the way to Cathay.” Aw get real, ‘Lumbo, it’s called People’s Republic of China now - And everybody knows you go east like Polo to get there, you dummy. “Aw shucks yeah. You know, I kinda thought their Eyes in America were a bit too round - And it didn’t sound like Chinese to me ; more like Brooklynese.” If I was you, ‘Lumby, I would get round to her and give her the ships back pronto. And don’t give her any of that crapola about “America” - Just tell her you found a new way to Cathay. “But I thought you said it was called the People’s Republic of China ?” Yeah yeah, listen : don’t think, ‘Lumbkins. Just tell her what I said and Give her the ships back, and get the Hell back here fast........and you’re not playing cards with That Da Gama and that crazy Vespucci tonight. Them filling your head full of spices-and-Indies and god knows what. You can stay home and fix the door hinge like I told you. “Ok, where’s the tea? Got any Earl Grey?”