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Poem
MRS.    COLUMBUS     SPEAKS

“Hi,  honey  pie.....  just got back  from  America.”
Wipe your feet.     Returned from where?
“Just seen Statue of Liberty   and  Wall Street.”
You  been away for two years and  
That’s all  you’ve done?   Saw a statue and a wall?
We thought you’d be back sooner, but 
Mum thought you’d fallen off  the edge of the world.
(One of her private wishes come true.)
“Oh, your mother’s  off her hinges..... She’s crazy.”
By the way,  ’Lumbo,  that front door hinge still isn’t fixed:
When you’ve had a cup of tea you can get off your tush  and fix it.
“Don’t tell me they’ve  got tea from Cathay so soon!  Oh no”
That  Queen   What’s-her-name  was here every week asking
For you,  thought you’d skipped town 
With her three  ships or something.
Wanted to know if you’d phoned or emailed  me.
I said gimme  a  break, lady,  they aren’t invented yet.
“Well,  honey pie,  I was in a great city with yellow cabs and subways and.....”
Oh yeah,  I’ve  heard  all  these stories about how advanced America is -
Got any photos of the place?
Oh, by the way that mapmaker you got to  draw your maps for the trip needs paying.
“Fat chance! The maps were all to hell -
I’m  telling you,  honey pie,  there’s  a  freakin’  big continent 
Blocking the way to Cathay.”
Aw get real,  ‘Lumbo,   it’s called People’s Republic of China now -
And everybody knows  you go east  like Polo  to get there, you dummy.
“Aw shucks yeah.   You know,    I  kinda thought their 
Eyes in America  were a bit too round -
And it didn’t  sound  like Chinese to  me ;  more like  Brooklynese.”
If  I was you,  ‘Lumby,  I would get round to her and give her the ships back pronto.
And don’t give her any of that  crapola  about “America”  -
Just tell her you found a new way to Cathay.
“But I thought you said it was  called the People’s Republic of China ?”
Yeah  yeah,   listen : don’t think, ‘Lumbkins.   Just tell her what I said and
Give her the ships  back, and  get the 
Hell back here fast........and you’re not playing cards with
That  Da Gama and that  crazy  Vespucci  tonight.
Them   filling your head full of  spices-and-Indies  and god knows what. 
You can stay home and fix the door hinge like I told you. 
“Ok,  where’s the tea?  Got any Earl  Grey?”
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