monkey bites

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Here it comes again, the daily reminder ... cold sweats out of nowhere that hit me like a slap on the face, my entire body turning clammy wet in an instant, three-or-four times every day. Then there's the uncontrollably exaggerated yawning and eyes that won't stop watering, a runny nose as if instant hay fever, and that nearly in- tolerable creepy muscle thing ... that's the worst symptom of all by far, (akathisia, it's called), because you CAN'T hold still - all your bones and muscles have to move at once, or you quite simply can NOT tolerate it. I always say a prayer that it only happens a few times each day, and only lasts for a short time, but to be honest, it's a nightmare, and inside I'm cursing ... cursing myself for this reminder. The reminder of a terribly bad decision that I made thirty years ago. Oh, my "problem" is under control, thanks to a wonder drug that did indeed save my life, (when my heart stopped thrice), and while I no longer abuse anything, that accursed monkey is still there, riding me like a two-dollar mare, and reminding me a few times each day, that it's completely in control. Yes, I'm alive and writing this because of it, and as thankful as a human can be, truly, but I'm light- years from the obliged kiss-off I dream about giving it. You see, it creates another problem all its own, one they don't tell you about when you start on "The Program", that this particular monkey, while having the power to save your life, is also the strongest, most tenacious monkey that exists, by FAR, and the chance of you ever giving it that dreamed-about final goodbye, are easily the longest odds you've ever had, especially with a weakened heart. But you push your mind to try to remain thankful nonetheless, because after all, you ARE still alive ... alive and kicking and getting these wonderfully horrific reminders each day, of just how little control and charge and health and power you have over your own life ... alive and moving through life like you have a giant condom on your body and mind and emotions, not really FEELING or emoting or experiencing much of anything in the way a human being SHOULD be, but alive and breathing and functioning ... you ARE still alive ... aren't you?

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