Momma

Dear mom, You have caused me so much pain I contemplated if I was the problem and tried to figure out how to get rid of the “problem”, me,so many nights and days ocean's flow out of my eyes.Been almost a year since we have had more than a ten minute conversation.I’m wanting more of a closer relationship with you but I can’t do that as long as you distant yourself from me.As if these one-thousand fifty miles aren’t enough of a distance from me.I’m lost without your hugs, the little love you gave to me.Just because I was in your arms under your roof in and out for my fifteen years doesn’t mean you gave me the right kind of affection I so badly craved from you.How could you not see it in my eyes.They shouted so badly for you to notice or question the watery rivers flowing down my rosy cheeks.Now you’ve made me question if I want any relations with the single idea of you.I’m so badly hurt by you that anytime dad seems to mention you my mind just goes blank and right then and there I feel I’m sinking deeper and deeper into a unknown that I can’t understand.I washed my pain away by doing what I was taught to stay away from...drugs...from smoking weed to doing pills...and in those moments all my pain seemed to be less but that was just masking what was underneath my mere look on my face.Now I’ve stopped self medicating my pain it’s impossible to avoid it...never thought it would turn out like this.Trying to turn my life around and slowly become healthy again I just want it to be the way it used to be...if only I had the guts to tell you all of this...it is so hard to express myself to someone who doesn’t seem to notice that they’re dragging me through hell… :Z