Misery

Mind is racing thoughts won’t stop, help me someone I’ve had enough. These last few months have been quite rough but as a mum you have to be tough. Spiralling out of control I can feel it, feels like I’m falling into a bottomless pit. I’m sick of this . When will it end when will I feel okay. “It’s okay cat just take it slow, day by day” But that’s not enough . I want more out of life than feeling despair, feels like I’m drowning , gasping for air. Significantly always feeling lost and alone, feels like my house is no longer a home, just a place for them to judge me more … stuck inside these same 4 walls. Where is my exit where is my escape? Maybe there isn’t one maybe it’s too late. I just don’t want to be here anymore … feel like dying every day more and more, how can I express myself with everyone on my case… so I just push it all down and put on a brave face. I’m okay everyone I am just fine …. But I’m really not fine like all of the time …. Everyone seems to know what’s best for me! Except the person that actually doesn’t well it seems to be me. I hate this I want to be myself again … to laugh with my kids , family and friends. But it’s all fake call it a lie when really I’m sitting here wanting to die. I can’t see a way out of this hole that I’m in… I started a letter for all of the kids . Explaining I loved them I really did. Past tense of course because that’s what I’m leaving behind … a paper full of words for someone to find. But I couldn’t put it into words how sorry I’d be for my children losing their mum , losing me. My friends losing a mate , my mum a child and my partner a wife… but I’m ready to give up on life. The voices are louder than usual tonight . Knowing I’m battling a losing fight . I am the loser I’ve already lost … and my life well that was the cost . I’m scared it’s quite daunting I don’t want my kids to find me in the morning … lifeless no warmth left inside me thing is I feel like I’ve died already