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Memories, Long Sad Journey, Revised Version

Memories, Long Sad Journey,
     
Bitter cold that Saturday morning, late in November 1969, I could see my breath parading before me. No breakfast as I had quietly left the house and started my slow walking trek back to our old home. 
 Memories flooded my brain with each new turn along that dusty road. Along with questions about why I was now so rebellious. Quicker, walk quicker my heart and soul demanded. Do you not want to touch the bedroom door where you father slept? Slept before that long dark sleep.  Slept in such pain and sorrow? Yes, bellowed back my invisible friend.

frosty morning dew
loose pebbles crunched beneath feet
earth, morning sky paled 

Halfway there, with my heart racing and anticipation heightened
I could almost imagine a real touch. A real touch, of he now lost, to all eternity!
What wild thoughts come to a teenage soul and mind in its greatest of pains and sorrows. Can death be denied? Can one bring back even for the briefest moment a loved one.. A father, a beloved father!

blackbirds silent view...
light ahead, welcomed beacon
wrapped in winter's sheen

Walking up the short drive and onto the front porch. Only gone away half a year and such change found! Silence, silence engulfed my thoughts. Struck numb as I entered our vacated home. Home were my father had exhaled his last breath. Hand shaking as I reach for that doorknob.. 
 What would I see? His ghost? Would I dare touch his ghost? I walked into cold, lonely room,nothing!
No smile, no hug, no long awaited touch! Only tears, tears by the bucketful. 
What had I come to find? Was I crazy to want to see, talk, touch one more time?

one old shoe, lonely
broken window, dusty mounds 
bleak abandoned walls

I knew, knew with certainty that this was it. Life gave no overs and no going back to happier times. Terror of that reality, would it ever leave. Would it?
Father is dead and my life is over. I walked out into this dark world ready to fight. Fighting to be left alone, with my never ending sorrow and its sweet cuts. Cuts embraced to keep my rage, to yet again feel something, defeat the icy numbness in a rebellious teenager's aching heart.

Robert J. Lindley, August 5th, 2017

Copyright © Robert Lindley | Year Posted 2017

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Maria Williams Date: 8/11/2017 9:47:00 AM This is such a sad expose` of yourself Robert that you have skilfully brought to us. Thank you for sharing your innermost thought. I'm certain your Dad looks down on you and smiles at your love. I can see the effort you have put into writing this.. A definite Fave ...Maria - All the best in the contest - this deserves to win. Login to Reply

Andrea Dietrich Date: 8/9/2017 5:58:00 PM wow, Robert, very profound writing here reflecting on your teenage thoughts of this terrible thing from your youth. I think you did a very good job of this. Mine will not be nearly as emotive as yours (if I ever redo it. I lost my original copy and have to start all over now!) AS Connie says, this is so poignant. Login to Reply Robert Lindley Date: 8/9/2017 6:11:00 PM Thank you my friend. This was the hardest to write poem I have ever composed. Forty-eight years have come and gone and still nothing comes close to the loss and sorrow of that time and that sad trip. I still long to go back in time and speak to my father. Time healed some of the pain, but the rest I will carry to my grave with me. I hope I did justice in conveying the epic depths of pain and deep sorrow once felt. Robert Lindley Date: 8/9/2017 6:10:00 PM Thank you my friend. This was the hardest to write poem I have ever composed. Forty-eight years have come and gone and still nothing comes close to the loss and sorrow of that time and that sad trip. I still long to go back in time and speak to my father. Time healed some of the pain, but the rest I will carry to my grave with me. I hope I did justice in conveying the epic depths of pain and deep sorrow once felt.

Connie Marcum Wong Date: 8/6/2017 3:17:00 AM You captured your loss with such poignant tender feelings that causes one to empathize Robert. It is written so beautifully! I am faving this lovely poem! : ) Login to Reply Robert Lindley Date: 8/6/2017 8:37:00 AM Thank you. This was very hard to write, as it came entirely from within. From my youth and the greatest sorrow born there. Sorrow that has never truly gone away.. And now, life has shorter steps on my path. I see cold stone in regrets. With only light, future light and finally getting to see again!

M. L. Kiser Date: 8/6/2017 1:24:00 AM Quite a beautiful and sad Haibun. Login to Reply Robert Lindley Date: 8/6/2017 8:36:00 AM Thank you. This was very hard to write, as it came entirely from within. From my youth and the greatest sorrow born there. Sorrow that has never truly gone away.. And now, life has shorter steps on my path. I see cold stone in regrets.

Winged Warrior Date: 8/5/2017 11:51:00 PM A beautiful sad tale Robert...we don't know sadness until a loved one departs from this earth...god bless...^WW^ Login to Reply Robert Lindley Date: 8/6/2017 8:35:00 AM Thank you. This was very hard to write, as it came entirely from within. From my youth and the greatest sorrow born there. Sorrow that has never truly gone away..