Home » Poems » Manel Gunatillake » Lovely Breeze Can You Take My Message

Lovely Breeze Can You Take My Message

Hello there lovely breeze! Can you take her my secret message?
	The golden shower leaves in front of my window
	Like her golden hair locks Waving to your rhythm 
	So I do not waste a second to welcome you 

	The golden shower leaves in front of my window	
	The flowers sprinkle an aroma similar to her's
	So I do not waste a second to welcome you 
	In your arms you are carrying her fragrance again

	The flowers sprinkle an aroma similar to her's
 	I secretly enjoyed her smell when she was seated in the park
	In your arms you are carrying her fragrance again
	How do I tell her that she smells like a golden shower flower?

 	I secretly enjoyed her smell while she was seated in the park
 	May be she is waiting for her lover’s kiss 
	How do I tell her that she smells like a golden shower flower?
	Can you whisper in her ear to say I am longing for her fragrance again?

 	May be she is waiting for her lover’s kiss
	Like her golden hair locks Waving to your rhythm 
	Can you whisper in her ear to say I am longing for her fragrance again?
	Hello there lovely breeze! Can you take her my secret message?

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Richard Lamoureux

Date: 7/30/2013 6:47:00 AM

"I watch the shower of golden leaves in front of my window". I think this says the same thing but flows with your new line. Don't forget to correct your maybe (it is just one word not two.) you now have the form perfect. Good work Manel. Hugs Rick

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 7/29/2013 5:41:00 PM

Thankyou so much Manel, it is a fine Pantoum check the last stanza you have broke form, one small adjustment and it will be perfect.

Manel Gunatillake
Date: 7/29/2013 7:52:00 PM

Thank you Richard I take your advice

Richard Lamoureux
Date: 7/29/2013 5:48:00 PM

The third line of the first Stanza should be the second line of the last stanza. You may wish to rewrite the second line so that it fits better in your story. example "Flowing to the beat of her lonely heart". second suggestion Maybe is one word not seperated, an easy change. I hope this helps.