Lost Time

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Written on January 15, 2024

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When I was a little girl, 
I spent so much time hoping for…
The day I turned 12, 13, 16 and 18.
I wanted to know what it would be like
To wake up and see that girl in the mirror,
The one who was older, wiser, more assured,
Someone like my aunt, my cousin, my mother,
Someone who could do all those things…
That a child of eight couldn’t presume,
Things that a child, such a baby,
Couldn’t possibly imagine doing.
While I pretended to be much older,
More shrewd and sophisticated, I lost…
Time – as a child, simple, innocent, trusting.

When I was young woman,
I spent so much time dreaming…
All the possibilities were endless it seemed.
I reached for the future with both hands,
Wearing my heart on my sleeve, as my mind…
Called to the upcoming moments,
The blessings that I was sure would be poured out,
Over my life, my time…
Time I was sacrificing to the fantasizing,
The make believe notoriety, the fame, the legend,
All the make believe that brought my heart
Its temptation to keep losing time…
Pretending, in my mind.

When I was older, nearly forty,
I spent so much time wishing for the time,
Time past, when I had been younger,
More capable of escaping the darkness,
That asked me… to divorce, to delay, to doubt,
The future where I’d be leaving out…
Little parts of me, for the chance to be free,
The chance to look around and finally see…
For certain, I could truly be anything I choose to be,
Anything that God stirred inside of me,
I could be a college freshman, drinking my dreams,
While they encouraged me to never let go,
Of the hope, the hope that surrounded my soul,
The hope for a time when I’d be in my prime,
Despite what someone else might believe…
This life, it turned out to be more than I’d conceived,
And, even though I couldn’t seem to let go,
Of the past that kept haunting me, I’d finally agree…
Pretending to live wouldn’t make time stand still,
And I was giving away my life… even the pain and strife,
For those moments spent in a fantasy that wasn’t for me,
A fantasy now fading as my time began to see…
In time, dreams would come true, answers would persuade…
Time would reveal all the beauty, beauty that I’d delayed,
With all my cravings and hallucinations.

When I came into my fifties, time refused to slow down.
As it moved into a passing gear, my heart would abound…
With hopes and dreams, realities that I’d found,
Beyond the fears, the tears, the years…
My fantasies had matured into clouds of actuality.
I was not the child, the girl, the youth –
Although I’d hit fifty, and knew so much truth,
Time had left me a challenge, a test I couldn’t refuse…
Never waste a moment and treasure your hours,
Let go of all doubt, all regret, all worry…
Linger in the joy, the hope and the blessings,
The reasons for life, the reasons for acceptance,
Trembling in the spirit, where God is in control,
There lives an aching soul, one who knows – oh yes,
She knows that, in time, there is love beyond all hope,
Love that comes to life when a heart stops fantasizing,
Looks into the eyes of peace, taking the hand that belongs,
And agrees… with His light surrounding me,
Time isn’t just make believe – time is the dare…
To never not care, to always pray and always share,
Pieces of a heart who loves because up high in the heavens,
There lives One who will make our time down here count…
For much more than the moments before we knew the cost,
The lost time… 

Time we leave behind is time that abides inside,
Reminding us why we’re alive, why we can smile despite,
That this life, this time… as it fades into the past,
Is the time we’ll look for most doggedly, when we realize…
It has gone, vanished from our life,…
Time never stands still – it is moving as you read these words.
It is moving so that only the most fervent heart can discover,
The way to make time last, is to love it even when it’s passed.

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