Lost Boys

Sad feelings always return, No matter what I do, Say or think, No matter what I don’t do, Say or think. Leaving me sometimes, Sadness disappears, Just long enough, To tease me, To please me, To freeze me. Hope sinks in, Hope settles down, Hope hopes for hope. Like a false fever of happiness, The real sickness always comes back, Later and later and later, Again and again. When did this all begin? This pattern? This prison? This prism of grief, Whose every refraction Grief greets? Was it that time I saw you fighting With papa? Claus, my first friend was there, It was my birthday, And you and papa were hitting each other. Why? Was it my fault? Does guilt have a name when you are five? Or is it just shame innocence feels? What ever it was it hurt! I just stood there, Silently looking, Silently hoping, Silently thinking, It would stop. It never did. (The rot was probably already deep by then, Attacking those spontaneous mechanisms, Whose strings orchestrate, That wonderful invention of existence, Called smiles. God I miss smiles) There was an epoch , When the smiles, Were there on that child. It was indeed a rather , Short lived era, A kind of error, Before the real, Programming, Set in. I have the proofs, The smiles all over, The pictures, The photos, The memories, Are now my treasure, To treasure, For ever. That little era ended, The error amended, Got stepped on too many times, One step followed by another step, And then another and another and another And another. Demotivated, Denigrated, Devoided, Denuded. I took One giant leap of…. Lack of faith. A quantum jump. From one thing into another. Nothing in between. Except an ether of sadness. Then there was that time, I don’t remember, (I was told you see) That you went away, Because Morfar said you had to, Because Pappa said you had to, And you went away, And I don’t remember, But you went away. Ida took care of me, I remember this, She was my grandmother, I remember this, She was full of warmth, I remember this, She was also sad, I remember this. They gave you medicine, You came back, You still did not smile, You had Christian, He was my brother, He had no ear, And you went away again. Why did he have no ear? Because you took the medicine. Why did they give you medicine? Because you were sad. Why were you sad? Because you were you. Morfar and Pappa talked, Ida felt, Ida held me, Ida smoothed me, Ida made it a tiny bit better, Morfar went to work, Pappa went back to Denmark, Ida stayed with me, You were away, With Christian. I remember all this- The feelings anyway. (There are far too many Horrors in this world To dwell upon One lonely child Suffering Because He lost his way From the protection Of someone’s warmth And someone else’s Crude desires) Who cares? (Mother nature’s laws fashion Faces full of claws Hands designed to rip And not to lose their grip On hunger’s thirsty passion. So why should any one care What one of many did not share? Love is not our right to claim, Nor in hope and vain to name Lost boys just have no bastion) Yet it all hangs together Does it not? The rot? The plot? The battles fought? The love poets sought? The kindness all for naught? The evil in eros and amour caught? (In the nether Halls of blood Was crowned A poem of love Whose verse Or curse Is ours To live by Obey And Or Pray)